Sunday, February 28, 2010

know when to shut up!

Meeting a person that was pregnant…yesterday was interesting…she said she was delivering at a hospital that I knew meant she was having a high risk baby…then when I looked at her and her husband I knew something was terribly wrong…her eyes were teary and her husbands to…they just looked lost and sad…I then commented to her that I delivered at that hospital…that they have the best doctors…and that they fixed my baby…I asked what doctor they saw and it turned out to be the same doctor that performed my amino synthesis…also the doctor that gave me the results of T21…I did not tell them that part at that time…then somehow she said that her baby would have to have heart surgery upon delivery…I said my little girl will have heart surgery with a scope when she is 3 years old…they looked puzzled and then I said my baby was born with Down Syndrome…she said hers was not…I actually said… ooh good…I did not like that response…but I will get better with it as time goes on…but it was interesting the others in the room…the looks on the face and disbursement of women made me understand that this was an uncomfortable conversation for a baby shower…I needed to stop talking to the women…and I should have…I knew better then to engage this pregnant women in to a conversation I would have hated while I was pregnant…I would have been so mad at the women telling me her story(I did not tell her everything!)…when her story is so much more important to her…I knew it…and I knew it better…so there it is me thinking about my reaction to the woman who had an amino and that came back negative…I feel guilty about my feelings towards my Maddox…I feel guilty that I have struggled so much with diagnosis…I am mad that I get annoyed with her when she spits food at me…when she coughs and gets milk everywhere…I am sad that I am still waking up hoping that today will be the day that everything will be ok…I am not religious and I do not think that she is a blessing…I think she is my daughter I created with my husband…and that is that…I feel guilty that I just cannot dress her up and take cute pictures of her and think everything is ok…I do think she is the cutest little baby…but I just cannot get over that she will not stay this baby…that she is a person…not just a baby…and nothing changes…as a side note…Maddie just woke up from her nap with her hair everywhere…with a HUGE smile…and is saying to mommy…really you would change me? NO…

6 comments:

  1. But you know you will love her just the same as she gets older and things become more challenging- I know you know that but I can just remember when I was pregnant how I thought it was going to be and it's nothing like that really, it's much better. No, it's not like having a typical baby but it's also not so bad. So I think about the future and I think how hard it may be but maybe it won't. We will adjust to the time we're in. We are adjusting to the baby stage of DS and we'll adjust to the toddler stage of DS and so on and so on. It's different but not what I expected so I'm hoping the same for the future. Love your header pic btw!

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  2. Adrienne is right... it is a day by day thing this process of growing up, and you will love her just the same or more as she grows into a woman. For me, things changed when Summer started signing... I suddenly knew she was her own real person with her own thoughts and wants that she was able to share. Now that I am sure she can understand me and can often answer me or even initiate something, I feel so much more peaceful about her future.

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  3. I agree with Adrienne. When my first was a baby, I couldn't imagine her as a teen. I really didn't like teens and it creeped me out to think of her that way. Guess what? She's thirteen now and she doesn't creep me out at all! :) She is a little on the mouthy side sometimes, but she's funny and beautiful and smart, too.
    In the same way, Eon as a baby is cute. He's transitioning toward cute toddlerhood now. I can't imagine him in puberty, but I don't have to. We'll grow together and I will love him just as fiercly, no matter what stage/age he is.

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  4. 1. I appreciate that you share your story. Every mama, regardless of their pregnancy (i think) wants to hear what it is like. because it is so unknown, even with all the books and websites to read.

    2. I think it is hard for people to stick around because we didn't want to be nosy and really I wanted to give you both space to talk without an audience. I really wanted to stay, but I wanted you both to talk, too.

    3. I so appreciate having you in my life.

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  5. http://enjoyingthesmallthings.blogspot.com/

    your girl is really beautiful and will be really stunning as teen and adult too.

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  6. I agree with all these comments. I know it's hard to know what that mom is going through and what "sad news" she's been given about her baby. Tara said it well, too. I have a 12 year old son who is an awesome kid. I've really enjoyed watching him change over the years. But I didn't give birth to a 12 year old and boom, end up here. It's been a 12 year journey that we've been on together. Maddie will make you proud and I know you'll enjoy her each step of the way. I can't wait to read your posts a year from now. This next year you'll find her doing all kinds of amazing things. Hang in there :-)

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