Sunday, February 21, 2010

Cutest little lady...

awaiting the results from the amino synthesis…I began to morn all the things I thought I would never do with my only daughter…this was so hard and heart wrenching for me…I cannot explain the sadness and hurt I felt….at this point I was only reading the clinical side of downs syndrome not the “reality” of down syndrome…I am beginning to see that my life with Maddie is just like the life of other mothers of girls…we can and probably will enjoy the same things…again I think it hurt me so much because I was so looking forward to being a mother of a little girl…because I missed out on so much with my mother…I wanted to live through her…wrong or not that is what I always yearned for…the list of things I was wrong about…this is with the ILLUISON that Maddie will let her mother(me) live through her and like the same things I do…funny how I assume she will be a little me…that she could not possibly think for herself and like things on her own :) I cannot wait to introduce her to musicals (stage and movies)…I love….love…and I love singing and dancing….I love Grease 2 not Grease and I love Flashdance, Footloose, and Mama Mia….I cannot wait to show her magazines…I love to read them and look at all the beautiful people…I love to shop and I love shoes and purses…I love to talk about gossip and engage in gossip…I love weddings and pretty nails and toes…I love hair and going to the beauty shop…I am anxious to get back to me…I need to find that me…and I am slowly crawling my way back…I know I have changed and because of finances and stress I will probably never get back to the lifestyle I am accustomed to…I remember thinking if I ever have a daughter I will be cautious of what I say and do…so she never feels overweight or ugly…I remember saying I will never ask chad how I look in front of her…I want my daughter to think and know she is ALWAYS beautiful….I look back at the shallowness of thinking she could only be pretty not smart! know I want my Maddie to be smart…and screw the looks…I will forever think she is the cutest lady on earth!

2 comments:

  1. That's the beauty of looking behind now...You know that you were weak and fearful and vulnerable. But as Maddie grows, so will you, and so will all your expectations. Oh, I wish for you to enjoy every single moment with Maddie. Those baby years fly by!

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  2. No doubt, she's super cute! And I'll bet you as she gets older, you'll be amazed at how smart she is. Never underestimate our kids w/ Ds. Keep your expectations high and she will strive to reach those goals. If she's like most girls (and I'll bet she is!) she'll love pretty things, music and musicals (John MIchael loves to go to children's plays and dances!) and like nice clothes. You don't have to give up on your dream because of a diagnosis... just be flexible and enjoy your sweet little girl. It won't be long before she's pouring you a pretend cup of tea and dressing as a princess. John Michael makes the cutest sounds when he's pretending to pour tea for me... "psssshhhhh" Enjoy.

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