Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Pushing "stuff"

I had an illusion of what life would be with Maddie...and then I had no expectation of her...I did this to protect my heart...I lied all the time trying to make myself believe that little girl would do everything I wanted her to do...selfish...of course...but what mother does not put that on their daughter...want more for her daughter then she had herself...what mother does not have an glorified perception of what their daughter will look like, act like, become...I did...I dreamt of being a mother to a daughter since I was a daughter...when I played dolls they were always little and my dolls grandmother would make coats, clothes to match mine...I was and still am a girls Maddie came about...and I was and at times still am lost...but along the way there has been a constant that has always held my hopes always make me look forward to what may lay ahead....and that are therapists...yep the people that came in my home every week without question or judgement...the ones that Maddie spends her days with today and almost everyday...teachers...Maddie's therapists /teachers have always been the best...we are very lucky to have the best our community has to offer and I would say they are as good as any other place...Maddie's first therapist saved my life as a mother...along the way she told me and showed me how to teach Maddie...that I should be proud of my girl -not embarrassed...yes most mothers probably did this on their own...but I was so mad that I was Maddie's mom that I forgot how to mother...and I was very depressed and just pissed...but Maddie's therapists always told me to get it together or pointed out all the "stuff" she was doing...and through out the years this still rings true...I can get sad or upset that Maddie is not doing "stuff" but they are always there to remind me that Maddie can do "stuff"...lots of "stuff"...I know in the beginning of this journey who I thought were key players in Maddie's life...and I was wrong on most accounts...her therapists/teachers are the most important figures in Maddie's life...why....because they are unbiased, educated, full of knowledge....and most of all hope...they have seen a child with Down syndrome do "stuff" their expectations can be high and relentless...I still to this day want to mother Maddie to make up for the lousy job I did early on in her as the therapists push Maddie they push me to...and that is always good...for me in my girl!

Tuesday, October 1, 2013