I had an illusion of what life would be with Maddie...and then I had no expectation of her...I did this to protect my heart...I lied all the time trying to make myself believe that someday...my little girl would do everything I wanted her to do...selfish...of course...but what mother does not put that on their daughter...want more for her daughter then she had herself...what mother does not have an glorified perception of what their daughter will look like, act like, become...I did...I dreamt of being a mother to a daughter since I was a daughter...when I played dolls they were always little girls...me and my dolls matched...my grandmother would make coats, clothes to match mine...I was and still am a girls girl...so Maddie came about...and I was and at times still am lost...but along the way there has been a constant that has always held my hopes together...to always make me look forward to what may lay ahead....and that are therapists...yep the people that came in my home every week without question or judgement...the ones that Maddie spends her days with today and almost everyday...teachers...Maddie's therapists /teachers have always been the best...we are very lucky to have the best our community has to offer and I would say they are as good as any other place...Maddie's first therapist saved my life as a mother...along the way she told me and showed me how to teach Maddie...that I should be proud of my girl -not embarrassed...yes most mothers probably did this on their own...but I was so mad that I was Maddie's mom that I forgot how to mother...and I was very depressed and just pissed...but Maddie's therapists always told me to get it together or pointed out all the "stuff" she was doing...and through out the years this still rings true...I can get sad or upset that Maddie is not doing "stuff" but they are always there to remind me that Maddie can do "stuff"...lots of "stuff"...I know in the beginning of this journey who I thought were key players in Maddie's life...and I was wrong on most accounts...her therapists/teachers are the most important figures in Maddie's life...why....because they are unbiased, educated, full of knowledge....and most of all hope...they have seen a child with Down syndrome do "stuff"...so their expectations can be high and relentless...I still to this day want to mother Maddie to make up for the lousy job I did early on in her life...so as the therapists push Maddie they push me to...and that is always good...for me in my girl!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
There is plenty of "stuff" Maddie will do too! She already is, and I am glad you have such wonderful support and love through your therapists. We all need it, well maybe some do not, but I sure did too. Some nights I tell Eric I just want to be her mom...just her mom...not her teacher, her therapist, and whatever other extra hats I have to put on for her...I just want to be a mom. I forget too and want to make up for that time when she was little I forget to just be her mom. So, I understand more than you know and your words resonated in my heart and head so deeply. I felt like I did a lousy job too, being embarrassed as well at times, but you know what. We both did the best we could in that moment. That is what I tell myself and hopefully you can tell yourself too. Easier said than done,..I know. Have a wonderful weekend! :)
ReplyDeleteI think in the beginning I too set my expectations of what Russell could do, low...To protect my heart. But you know...The older he gets, the more I learn and see, the more I realize the sky is the limit for our kids! Loved reading your thoughts, as always :)
ReplyDelete