Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Selfish Grieving...
I never in my wildest dreams ever thought I would have to defend my feelings for my own daughter…I never thought that after I may say or write something like... I am confused, conflicted or even angry about Maddie being born with Down Syndrome…that the very next sentence to follow has to be “I love her”…let me say that I can be angry that I did not get the daughter I always dreamed of…and still love the daughter I received whole heartily…my love for Maddie does not waiver because she was born with special needs…I did grieve for the loss of the daughter I thought I was going to have…I grieved at the notion that our life would be easy and be without so much worry…I grieved for my naïve outlook on life and heartbreak…I grieved for the loss of one child…and danced for the life of the other…but I am always taken back when people mistake my heartache for me not loving my daughter…
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UGH! I hate that you even have to deal with people like that....really, who are "they" to judge how much you love Maddie?! I think it's very clear that you ADORE her and yet it is perfectly normal to still feel confused, conflicted and sad with the DS....not Maddie! Some people will just never "get it"....I do! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this. There are so many of us out there who feel the same way, feel guilty for feeling it, and alone in it. It's nice to know we are not, that we are, in fact, perfectly sane and "normal" in our feelings. Because there are days where we grieve for what we thought we were going to have/see in our children doesn't mean that we don't love who they are any less.
ReplyDeleteTHIS is exactly how I feel!! I feel like if I ever say or write that I am sad about Down syndrome, that I atomaticaly have to say right after how much I love Russell, like I have to defend my feelings for him...I am afriad if I dont people will misunderstand what I am trying to say. The honest truth is the only people who REALLY get how I feel are other Moms who have children with Down syndrome.
ReplyDeleteI can totally sympathize with you...when we first had Emily someone from our church came to visit us and when my husband explained that he was feeling "disappointed" she said "you don't mean that"...and he absolutely did. Those who have never been through this unique grieving process will never understand how it feels to love the child you have but to mourn the loss of the one you dreamed of.
ReplyDeletegrief is such a complex emotion, one that many people don't allow themselves to feel or process completely. i imagine that people who would question your love for your daughter have some unresolved grief to deal with themselves. thank you for such blatant honesty. i can see that you are a great support to many people!
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