Bounce

coming back from having a child is and process…not only is it external but internal…with Max I was a first time mom and dove head first into it…I loved being a mom…and we never left him not once with a babysitter until Maddie was born…yes that is crazy to look back on that time…we included Max in everything we did…if he could not be a part of it we simply did not go…I am not saying this is for everyone…but we have no family around to help…we have close friends…but I hate to inconvenience them! so coming back from having Maddie…has been different…it has had its ups and downs…since we have had Maddie we have had to ask for help from our friends to watch Max while we do doctors appointments for Maddie…he does not mind and seems to enjoys it…he even said to me while I was getting really nervous to leave him…”don’t worry mommy you will be back to get me”…so a few weeks ago Chad asked me on a date! and I said yes…this is huge and it was a great time…we got a babysitter…a young women that I love and that I have known for many years…she is a manager for a special needs residential home…and she has a gift with kiddos…with that date I realized that I have pushed many people away…friends, family and possible friends…I do this because I am not sure of who I am….I cannot guarantee my mood or my reactions….I cannot guarantee that I can lift friends up if needed…so it is easier to keep my circle very small and predominately virtual….I am proud of myself for starting to care about me again…I have been working out consistently since I had Maddie…and I have started get my hair done…and tan a couple times a week…I know it is not healthy…but it makes me feel good…and I need that more then anything right know…I want to bounce back to the person I was…I want to put on my blonde attitude and pretend not to notice or care…I want to giggle…I want to shop…and not worry about the next doctor bill…I am not sure if this has to do with being a mom or being in my mid 30’s…or both…I have also made an effort to smile at people I do not know…bouncing back from having children…special needs or not…changes you…I can say I am different then I was 5 years ago…I am less selfish and more at peace…