Sunday, August 30, 2009

Cool Panic!

I think I am starting to have panic attacks...sometimes when I realize the reality of my life I have to calm myself down by singing Cool Rider from Grease 2...I love that song and love that movie..Chad once asked me what I wanted to do in my life and said I want to be a gas station attendant...I know I have high hopes for myself..I thought my cool rider Wyoming style finally came when I was walking on the bike path and a beautiful cowboy in a dark stetson hat and trench coat riding a horse.. came over the hill with the sun rising behind him... he stopped to talk with us... I told my friend that my cool rider has finally come! to bad it turned out he was just looking for a missing steer from last nights rodeo! anywho..my point is that I could have never dreamed that I was going to be the mom to a little girl that will face more challenges then I can ever dream...one of the things I dealt with when we found out she was going to be born with downs...will she ever love Grease 2 as much as I do...will she ever love the musicals that I do...I remember I could not sleep and I rented Mamma Mia and I watched it over and over ... I love that movie...I remember thinking I hope this little girl will want to share this with me...I realize that seems very small and unimportant to most people but the her loving musicals is a big thing for me...I think it represents all the things we may never share together...shopping for a prom or wedding dress...wearing makeup...driving a car...I think and hope Maddox is a "high functioning" downs person but we will not know this for a long time...I realize she is a beautiful, cute baby...I can see that...but that is not what keeps me from having panic attacks..it is who she will be as a teenager and adult...I am scared to death that she will be made fun of..that she will never fall in love...that she will fall in love and it will not be reciprocated...I know this is a reality for "normal" people but I think when we have children we do not think of these issues...we think who could not love this perfect little person! She is a great baby and I do not like when people say it is because of the down syndrome...I like to think she is a great baby because she is a great baby...I did something big yesterday I took Maddox back to Walmart in the baby sling...so she was front and center...she loved it...she giggled and took it all in...then of course she fell asleep...of course someone commented how small she is for her age..whatever...I did not get pissed or upset I just smiled...

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