Sunday, August 16, 2009

Time Flies!

It seems like yesterday we were getting ready to have a baby! Now Maddox is 3 months old and cooing, smiling, grasping and transferring in out of her hands...she is even kicking things with her feet! she is amazing...We went to the Wyoming State Fair Thursday night to meet up with old friends...it was great...at one point someone said to couple of us "can you believe we are here watching are kids enjoy the rides! and we are still alive!!" it is truly amazing that we are alive and kicking..Thursday night was the first time out load I admitted that Maddox was born with Down Syndrome..it was hard..I cannot explain how difficult it is for me to admit and except that she is not like everyone elses kids...crazy because I have spent my life trying to be different..I always made sure I was going the opposite way of the crowd and now I am wishing I was part of the "normal" crowd...what to do...I have realized I am really ok with her as a baby..I am so scared about her growing up...I am ok being a mother of a baby with Down Syndrome I am not ok being the mother of an adult with Down Syndrome...I am irritate how people say "but she is so cute...she is the cutest baby I have ever seen...she is so good..."they do not get that I can see that she is a good baby that I often think she is cute...again not the problem...someone recently asked me if I was going to resent her...I said sharply back the I would ever resent her then I back tracked and said maybe and then I admitted that I already do and have resented her...This makes we want to cry but this is my reality...she then asked how do you take care of her..I take care of her because the common sense side of brain knows I need to hold her, touch her, rock her, feed her, play with her, smile at her, and yes love her...I do love her with every fiber of my being..I think that is why I am soooo pissed....I wanted the world for my girl and now I have to look at it through rose colored glasses..

I am sure people are thinking just get over yourself...maybe in time I will....

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