Sunday, April 4, 2010
Guilty, Jealous, and Envious...
Guilty…I am beginning to feel guilty…I am not sorry though…I promised myself when I began this journey in blogging that I was not going to be sorry for my feelings…for my emotions…I told myself I was not going to lie to myself or anyone else…and pretend that everything was ok with me…with that said I do feel guilty of how I have related to Maddie…I feel guilty that I did not want her right away, that I did think about terminating my pregnancy, I feel guilty that I have not allowed myself fully to her…that I am just beginning to celebrate her and understand what it is to be a mother…not just to a child with disabilities but to my children in general…it truly has taken Maddie for me to understand Maximus…Jealous…I am jealous of where others are in there journey…I want to be just ok with everything…I am tired of my state of mind…and I think I am finally taking steps to recovery…but…I am jealous that I cannot just post HAPPY all the time…I am jealous that I am not as excited as most about Maddie's milestones…I want to be excited…but I have that voice in my head saying would this be great if Maddie was not born with Down Syndrome…Envious….I am envious of people that have chosen this journey…the journey of parenting a child with a disability…I think it would be amazing to choose to be Maddie’s mom….not have it sprung on me…I understand Maddie was never not with the extra chromosome…I just wish I could say that I wished for her like she is….I remember a person saying to me when I was pregnant with Maddie “congratulations in having a child born with Down Syndrome”….my response was not nice to her…and she responded to me and told me her story of how her and her husband were having problems conceiving…I thought to myself…I am sure she goes to sleep every night in hopes of getting pregnant with a child and pesky third copy of her 21st chromosome…I am sure that is how she prays to her god…I am not sure I have ever heard any person wanting what I have in the beginning of there quest for having children….until Maddie is starring at them with her big blue eyes…and then they say…well at least she is healthy…she will be fine…it could be worse…all of those things are true…I am envious that I am not that person that choose this journey….I so want to be that person…
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One of my most difficult things to do when blogging was to NOT compare myself to other moms. I read many, many blogs about children with Down syndrome written by moms that seem to not share my own insecurities. Having said that, though, I think that we most likely do share some of the same insecurities, however, the purpose of their blogs is different than mine. I don't write to update family, or in hopes of publishing a diary for Gabriel. I write so I can deal with "the hard stuff" in my head and heart.
ReplyDeleteI have that luxury because not too many people read my blog, and also because the readers that have "come to know me" understand that my love for Gabriel has never been diminished by my own frailties when trying to accept that he has Down syndrome.
The one thing I have learned is that I started out just like any other woman out there. My plans to have a baby did not include having a baby with Down syndrome. I would never have given much or any thought to HOW the mom of a baby with Down syndrome was coping.
My struggle to keep that reality real for me, so that I can forgive other people or not assume what other people may or may not think about me having a baby with Down syndrome, has been hard. Until you walk in our shoes, no one can really know how enveloped we are in the process of accepting our baby having Down syndrome.
As Gabriel nears his fifth birthday, and the fear of him becoming less my baby to protect, and more the free individual that is emerging into society, I realize now that I am who I AM.
I am not static -- I will always be changing and adapting. And that means having both positive and negative emotions.
I can never be the mother who writes only good things because that is not who I am. However, I will always be the mother who will love her son fiercely and who cannot imagine him without the extra chromosome.
I guess what I am trying to say is that YOU are changing. Becoming ALL of something or someone seems to me to be near impossible. But accepting ALL of what makes us who we are is more important, in my opinion, as well as accepting that we change. I think we keep changing until our last breath.
Nicely stated Lianna! Kim, don't be so hard on yourself. These raw emotions that we feel are part of this journey. It's about living, learning, loving and acceptance.....self-discovery! This journey although shared by blogs is not a race. We will all get to "THAT" place at our own pace. Quite ironic:) We will all reach our milestone's at some point.....and a whole community will be there ready to celebrate! ALWAYS stay true to yourself!
ReplyDeleteI didn't choose it, either. Nor did most (any?) of my friends. It is only in the love we have experienced as a result of this "pesky" 3rd chromo that some of my friends are reaching out to embrace ANOTHER precious child who has Ds. And from another country, no less. I wonder if I could have their heart, but I don't feel less of a mom for not going out to adopt a child w/ Ds. We're all made differently, we all heal/grieve/accept differently. You've already changed so much since I started following your blog... I hope you don't beat yourself up too much. I have a friend who is just coming out of the fog and her little one is 1 1/2. Another mom was OK the minute she found out. My journey was somewhere in between. Just keep your eye on Maddie and she'll keep teaching you and helping you through... Her only expectations of you is to love and care for her. Looks like you're already doing that. :-)
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't have *chosen* to have a child with a disability, but I, too, had difficulties conceiving and knew that no matter what, I wanted a baby. I don't think anyone would *choose* this journey unless they're adopting. You have come a long way, and just know that it's different for everyone. While it may have been relatively easy for me to accept, given that I had been trying to conceive for 8 years, I still struggle with certain aspects of my daughter's development and blog my feelings as issues come up. Blogging is definitely cathartic! You will get there. You're doing all the right things by not denying your feelings and being honest with yourself. Don't force yourself by thinking that there's a certain time by which you need to feel acceptance. Just like our children will do things in their own time, you will feel happy in yours. I'm glad you're reaching out through your blog.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog because you are honest, I love your blog because you dont pretend to be happy and ok all the time...cause really, even though some of us dont say it out loud or write it down we all have days where we are not ok and just plain sad.
ReplyDeleteI want you to know the first day I came across your blog I sat and read the entire thing, I just kept going back and back on your posts and I sat holding my little boy on my lap and reading and crying... Please know that everything you wrote I had felt at one time or another...or still do. Your honesty was touching. Like the people above said, this whole accepting thing, we get there at different times in this journey. The one great thing about talking to other Moms who have children with DS is we dont judge each other, cause we all know how it feels. And even though we dont all share the exact same feelings or concerns, or thoughts, we definatly understand how some one in our position could! And no matter what we blog about or what feelings we share, we all know exactly how much we love our children. Dont ever feel guilty and please continue to share your real feelings, cause I need to read them, they help me on my own journey.