Sunday, September 6, 2009

Cry Baby Cry!!

Talk about a rough day…amazing how there are good times and not so much…it is also crazy how things come back to you like a dump truck…yesterday I cried most of the day…I understand this is all about me and that this is very selfish…Yes my daughter was born with Down Syndrome and I am not dealing with it like the ROCKSTAR I want to be…to do that I would be denying all of my true feelings and thoughts…through this I have lost most of my self-esteem…I feel like I am inadequate…how my body could produce this child that is different then most…lets get down to the nitty gritty….when I got pregnant it was not what I dreamed or envisioned…I was a prom queen and I realize I am living up to the stereo type right now…because I cannot get over myself…some days…I think I am going to be ok…and handle if we have to work harder for her to communicate…that she may or may not go to college…I also get that this is what you get with any child…I also get that my job now is to educate people….the hardest thing is that I have to educate myself first…

Yesterday I read an article that put me over the edge of reason…all of my fears came to real life…I read a GREAT article that a girl with Down Syndrome wrote…she is a senior in high school…and I must say she is beautiful…she opened my eyes and made me think how shallow I really am…but with that said… I know one day that Maddox will know she is different…this is one of the biggest hurdles I have tried to overcome…that I know my Maddox is high functioning which means she will now she is different…and when she asks why I am I different I will have to tell her…her dad can tell her inside and out why she is different from the science side…but I am her mommy and she will wonder why I cannot fix this…I have kissed her hurts…I have tried to fix everything and anything for her and this I cannot explain or make go away…this girl wrote about just wanting to be excepted and that she wished people could see her for who she is on the inside not just what she looks like on the outside…this single article truly changed what I think and how I feel….one of the things while blogging all this time that I have thought about is how would a person with Down Syndrome feel if they read this…I have to say me as a person would not feel so great…I would ask myself how could a mom feel this way…how could a person… a mom talk this way about there own child….I can say this has not been easy and has not been one of my finer moments…but it is my reality and my thoughts…I want to get past myself…this is the only way I know how…to talk through it…and lets face no one wants to hear this over and over again…I am kind of beating the point to death!

One of the other things I came to a realization yesterday was that when I left the hospital with my son Max no doctor or person said to me…now you will have to watch out for sneezing, molding of the skin or hiccups…because this is a sign of babies in distress...that I will have to watch for heart problems, EA/TEF, vomiting, small orifices, ear infections, celiac, and I can go on and on…every time Maddox spits up… I think should I call the doctor is she forming a stricture…If she does not poop I think she is dying…I am very hyper to anything with her…with Max I did the typical first parent thing...when I got the diagnosis of Maddox I truly believed I received it because I did not think it could happen to me…now I think I have to know everything that could go wrong just in case something does go wrong…I could lose my sanity at anytime!

3 comments:

  1. Take a deep breath... It is ok to have days like this... to wonder... to worry. There is no reason Maddox has Ds and someday she may end up prom queen just like you.

    You are an experienced mom, you know if your baby is "off" and has something wrong... your instincts will tell you if Maddox is having a health issue. You're doing fine.

    Every person wants to be accepted and struggles with things about themselves... our children wear their differences on the outside but so many other people have internal hardships that lead to dysfunctional lives and it is just hidden on their insides.

    Your body created someone different, not bad, just different. Someday you will be in awe that you created a 1 in 800 miracle who is unique and amazing.

    Big hugs to you.

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  2. simply said... I am in awe of you..thank you...I hope to be where you are at someday! do you still have these days?

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