Cool Panic!

I think I am starting to have panic attacks...sometimes when I realize the reality of my life I have to calm myself down by singing Cool Rider from Grease 2...I love that song and love that movie..Chad once asked me what I wanted to do in my life and said I want to be a gas station attendant...I know I have high hopes for myself..I thought my cool rider Wyoming style finally came when I was walking on the bike path and a beautiful cowboy in a dark stetson hat and trench coat riding a horse.. came over the hill with the sun rising behind him... he stopped to talk with us... I told my friend that my cool rider has finally come! to bad it turned out he was just looking for a missing steer from last nights rodeo! anywho..my point is that I could have never dreamed that I was going to be the mom to a little girl that will face more challenges then I can ever dream...one of the things I dealt with when we found out she was going to be born with downs...will she ever love Grease 2 as much as I do...will she ever love the musicals that I do...I remember I could not sleep and I rented Mamma Mia and I watched it over and over ... I love that movie...I remember thinking I hope this little girl will want to share this with me...I realize that seems very small and unimportant to most people but the her loving musicals is a big thing for me...I think it represents all the things we may never share together...shopping for a prom or wedding dress...wearing makeup...driving a car...I think and hope Maddox is a "high functioning" downs person but we will not know this for a long time...I realize she is a beautiful, cute baby...I can see that...but that is not what keeps me from having panic attacks..it is who she will be as a teenager and adult...I am scared to death that she will be made fun of..that she will never fall in love...that she will fall in love and it will not be reciprocated...I know this is a reality for "normal" people but I think when we have children we do not think of these issues...we think who could not love this perfect little person! She is a great baby and I do not like when people say it is because of the down syndrome...I like to think she is a great baby because she is a great baby...I did something big yesterday I took Maddox back to Walmart in the baby sling...so she was front and center...she loved it...she giggled and took it all in...then of course she fell asleep...of course someone commented how small she is for her age..whatever...I did not get pissed or upset I just smiled...

Getting Better!

I think I am going to make it! I think I can be Maddox's mom...I know this may seem weird .. But she is really growing on me...I cannot wait for her to wake up in the mornings and I love her smiles...when she laughs...I cry...because I love her and want her to be a part of our family..I think I am going to make this work...she is a great little person...with big personality already..she is cuddlier and a drama queen...she already knows she is a princess..good days!

She had a great therapy session yesterday..Kelly (OT) thinks she is right on for even a "normal" baby to make her milestones...she is tummy crawling and rolling over belly to back...know we just need to work on the neck muscles to get her to roll from back to belly...she is almost there! I think she will sit up soon..she is very aware and wants to be a part of her surroundings..I love that...

We puddled jumped yesterday..it was GREAT!! Max loved it and so did the other kids..there is something awesome to be able to see kids explore there surroundings and not get in trouble or have to keep clean...it was great to see them throw things in the puddles and see how big of a splash they could make...or sitting in a puddle and just enjoying themselves...and there is nothing as fun as to hear the laughter of a child...true laughter and enjoyment..what it would be like to be a child again...

3 yr olds are EVIL!

Today started out like every other...me and Maddox chilled and played...she was happy and I was happy! then the Maximus awoke! he is truly something else...He woke up and wanted to go play at Natural Bridge..so I packed a lunch and packed up the kids and we made our way down to Natural Bridge..It was beautiful and not many people around to begin our great adventure...Max collected rocks to throw in the river and Maddox just enjoyed the ride taking in all the sights and sounds...Max began to throw rocks in the river and then we made our journey to the top of the bridge..where he informed me that rocks like to be thrown off the top of the bridge..where people were standing below...we made our way down and he waded in the water and threw rocks with some lady we did not know...she was very nice! as we were standing there of course there were rude people saying "how old is that baby..it is to young to be outside on a hot day"...seriously people need to talk quitter so I cannot hear them...anywho...Max decided we needed to go look for the dead mouse we found last time we there...I grab the picnic...Maddox was getting hungry so I began to feed her...Maximus thinks he is older and starts following these older girls...and the park began to fill we people...so I tried to explain to him that I needed him to stay close and climb the rocks or play on the playground...then he turned to me and started erupt...I mean the WORST fit I have ever experienced with him...it was so embarrassing...heart crushing....awful...I just picked up Maddox..got the stuff and grabbed Maxs hand and lead him to the car...he did not stop screaming at the top of his lungs until we were leaving the area...on the way home I was thinking to myself .... really should I be a mom...I cannot even take care of a "normal" child how am I ever going to be good for Maddox...I have already screwed up the "normal" kid...I am very scared what I am going to do to my Maddie...I sent Max to his room and he had his first grounding today...he is 3 1/2...parenting books suck...so the day ended with a long nap for the Maximus...We will try to better tomorrow

Routines? Spidermans? and Frumpy!

It is amazing how Maddox has fallen into or I have adjusted to her daily routine! she awakes around 7ish, plays and eats then chills for awhile...throughout the day she eats every 4 or so hours...naps and goes to night night at 9ish and only eats around 4 am...it is amazing that she is 3 months and she already know that I cannot get up during the night more then once or I will die!! She really is exceeding all my expectations...last night we watched the video of her OT Kelly that comes weekly and works Maddox out and teaches us how to work little Maddie out...so she can be the best little Maddie she can be! I had my development charts out and I am so happy that she is currently meeting all over her milestones! this is huge to her development and future! during her session with Kelly (OT) she would not stop watching herself on the video recorder...it was funny! she really enjoys looking at herself and other babies faces...which is very typical for a baby this age...again she is more like a "normal" baby then she is not...it seems currently the only thing that is different about my little one is that I cannot get over the fact she has down syndrome and that she has the cutest downs features and faces I have ever seen...she really is growing on me..last night we talked for about an half hour...she is becoming quite the talker! and very opinionated...Maddox is almost rolling over from back to front and I can see her flexibility on how she lays in the most awkward position with every body part touching the floor except her arm is stuck underneath...hard to explain!!! but very cool...she recognized me and got excited for me to pick her up yesterday for the first time!! I cried because she smiled at me and ran her legs through the air...

Maximus is not going to preschool at this time...he is just to young...he really cannot get up in the morning and make it there!! I understand this sounds like I am just lazy.but Max is very... how do I say this ...his own little being and he is perfectly happy playing here with his friends and thinking he is a dinosaur, a hunter, or like yesterday spiderman with barbie wings flitting around the house...of course that get--up had a sword! Chad and I figure that he will go to school soon enough and no longer be able to do as he please all his live long day...

Chad has lost 15 pounds so far this month and I do not feel I have lost any of my baby weight...I am so frustrated that it has not just disappeared...I realize I have to work out and change the way I eat and I have done that...I have ate less and eaten more fruit and veggies...I workout daily for at least 30 to 40 mins...i hate that it is so easy for him and not for me...I really believed that as soon as I had Maddox that I would be back into my old clothes...I am not sure why i thought this..it was not how it happened with Max and yet when i packed for Denver to have her I brought all my old clothes which none of them fit...Chad just rolled his eyes and laughed...so I ended up wearing jogging pants daily there...boy did I look good! not! I look frumpy and unkempt...I really need to get this put together...and if chad say one more time that I need to just work out harder or he needs to see how hard I workout to see what I am doing wrong... I am going to kill him! Or he says you look great you just had a baby...well then do not video me...because that is suicidal! any who we are working out together this morning..should be good times!

What is Next!

My day started like any other...working out and thinking to myself really should yoga hurt this bad! Then Chad said "dont freak out honey there is a mouse in the bathroom...really at 6 am this is not the news I wanted to hear...I am completely freaked out by mice! Then of course Max came out and greeted me like everyday! "Mommy I peed the bed! I think I need to learn to pee in the potty and poop in the diaper...Mommy I am not as big as a tree so I cant poop in the potty!" He will not poop in the potty it is hopeless! I still have 5 pkgs of peanut M&M's and a Nerf Gun hanging over my toilet just waiting to be used! but today I guess is not the day! we are going on 3 months with this hanging over the toilet!

Today got better when I was reading about Down Syndrome...it seems that this is how I occupy my time these days..did you know that you can have a down syndrome child and they can also be autistic...I am a lot freaked about this and I need to call the doctor and discuss...it was crazy when I received the diagnosis of Down Syndrome many people would say at least you will not have a child with autism..this stressed me out...because I knew if there was a chance to have a down syndrome kid with both diagnoses it would be my kid...When Max was born I was very concerned with him having autism...I had him when they had just came out with the 1 and 150 kids are diagnosed with autism and Jenny McCarthy was out pimping her book...so of course when Max was getting his MMR I began consistently asking the doctor if he thought Max was autistic...I remember Max lining up his dinosaurs and I was convinced he has autism..the Doctor told me to stop watching Oprah! Anyway in Denver they have a support group for parents of children with Down Syndrome and Autism so I guess I will not be the only one...sometimes it just hits me that my little girl has Down Syndrome..it is crazy how I forget for a time that she is not "normal" because in more ways then I could ever imagine she is like a "normal" baby...she is temperamental and she already wants to be in the middle of things...she cried until I held her today while we were playing with playdough..she grabbed at it and held it for a time...she even held a paintbrush the entire time the kiddos were painting...she is pretty a cool chick! Ms. Kelly her OT was very impressed with her today! Maddie scooted on her tummy for her and mimicked hi to her...I cannot believe she is already 3 months!

on a side note...football season is starting again and I am in mourning my beloved Brett Farve has broke my heart and signed with the enemy..the Vikings aka Mud Ducks...My family is from Wisconsin and life long Packer fans...Mr Farve is a freak..but at least he is fun to watch...and get beat by the Pack! go PACK go!

Time Flies!

It seems like yesterday we were getting ready to have a baby! Now Maddox is 3 months old and cooing, smiling, grasping and transferring in out of her hands...she is even kicking things with her feet! she is amazing...We went to the Wyoming State Fair Thursday night to meet up with old friends...it was great...at one point someone said to couple of us "can you believe we are here watching are kids enjoy the rides! and we are still alive!!" it is truly amazing that we are alive and kicking..Thursday night was the first time out load I admitted that Maddox was born with Down Syndrome..it was hard..I cannot explain how difficult it is for me to admit and except that she is not like everyone elses kids...crazy because I have spent my life trying to be different..I always made sure I was going the opposite way of the crowd and now I am wishing I was part of the "normal" crowd...what to do...I have realized I am really ok with her as a baby..I am so scared about her growing up...I am ok being a mother of a baby with Down Syndrome I am not ok being the mother of an adult with Down Syndrome...I am irritate how people say "but she is so cute...she is the cutest baby I have ever seen...she is so good..."they do not get that I can see that she is a good baby that I often think she is cute...again not the problem...someone recently asked me if I was going to resent her...I said sharply back the I would ever resent her then I back tracked and said maybe and then I admitted that I already do and have resented her...This makes we want to cry but this is my reality...she then asked how do you take care of her..I take care of her because the common sense side of brain knows I need to hold her, touch her, rock her, feed her, play with her, smile at her, and yes love her...I do love her with every fiber of my being..I think that is why I am soooo pissed....I wanted the world for my girl and now I have to look at it through rose colored glasses..

I am sure people are thinking just get over yourself...maybe in time I will....

Monday!

WOW! I am back to work and it was not so bad!! I started my daycare 3 years ago and when I came back for my 4th year... I have the same kiddos I have started with! holy crap time flies...Some are starting school next week...Maddox handle all the loud noises and even louder play very nicely! She is such a funny girl with lots of smiles and laughs! Max said the funniest thing! at nap I asked if he needed to be covered with his white blanket and he said no I have got my wiener, my tummy, my nipples, and my eyebrows I don't need my white blanket!! he is to much sometimes!

Tonight I made meals for the week...it was a little much...considering I woke up and worked out! I am such a go getter on Mondays...lets see what tomorrow will bring! If you are wondering what I cooked I am a Rachael Ray wanna be and I made her stoup spaghetti and meatballs and spicy chicken and potato stoup..can you say yummo!

Really!

The day started good but there were some bumps! When you have a child with "special needs" it can be weird to venture in public just for the shear fact that people are STUPID! I mean this in the nicest possible way! I was in Walmart and Max and Maddie were being amazing letting me get all my shopping done. Max of course had to pee and so things were taking a little longer then I wanted...The cashier was nice and talking with Max which is always a plus he likes to talk to strangers! we can talk on this later! so a women comes up and starts staring at Maddox...very intently...I do not think much of it and then it begins! she says "how old is your baby" I say "12 weeks" she says "ohhh 3 months" so I am thinking NO 12 weeks idiot! then she says "she is soooooo small was she premature" I respond "no 6 pounds" "ohhhh" she says...then pauses then says "she really is so small are you sure she is ok" REALLY!!!! she has fat rolls and looks so healthy and cute! I then respond "I am short she is just taking after me" I wanted to yell at her... YES she is small she was born with down syndrome you stupid stupid women...learn to shut up and have tack...not everything you think has to be said! I get very upset because I want to perfect my response before Maddie can realize that they are not being nice...I do not want her to see me get mad or respond in a way that will make her feel uncomfortable.....I want her to have strong self esteem and be proud of the person she will become...She will rewrite the "norm" for Down Syndrome I know it!! Today she batted at a mobile and made contact! that is huge...I mean a huge milestone for my big girl!

Now she sleeps and processes everything she learned today! she is a big girl that is as healthy as she can be!

I love Saturday!

Well today could have not started out more perfect! Maddox is an amazing person (baby) and sleeping through the night! I woke up to Max and Chad playing... with Maximus laughter filling the house...is there anything more perfect...

Yesterday I tried working...I do daycare..I have been doing it for three years...but I am nervous to have my own baby around all the other children...I want to make sure I have enough to give to every child...I am tired and Maddie was very stimulated but she seemed to enjoy the time with the other kiddos...

Went to a BBQ last night with great people and an amazing atmosphere...the food was really really good...it was VERY kid friendly which is always a plus...there was an apple tree that just spontaneously dropped apples and Max and the other kiddos played with apples almost all night...who knew all the things you can play with an apple...making a pretend pie, a tea party eating an apple, and then of course throwing them at each other!! what fun! This guy had a projector screen outside and so we sat in lawn chairs with blankets and watched a pirated copy of Ice Age Dawn of the Dinosaurs! Back to the food..can you say BBQ brisket, beans, jalapeno peppers w/bacon and yummy cake!! back to clean eating Monday!

This is state fair week...the weather is not nice so I am not sure that the demolition derby is in the cards today..but Maximus will be enjoying live with Elmo tomorrow! to be 3 again...Maddox will be enjoying some fresh formula and sleepy sleepy with a little tummy time on the side!

Ahhh Natural

Today we went to Natural Bridge....it is truly beautiful! the kids played in the water, threw rocks and climbed BIG rocks! Max found a dead mouse and I could hardly pry him away...We had a picnic and played at the playground...they had an old merry-go-round that of course Max loved...I know this is a very dangerous play item but I do remember spending many hours on it!

Max took a nap!! it was amazing! he is such a better 3 year old when he naps...so we had to go to the Water Falls near Casper..He threw more rocks and found a butterfly! Maddox chilled and ate!! she is becoming quite the little piggy! She worked out today and now is working on a pooo!

I have decided not to send Max to preschool yet....I think he is still a bit young..lets hope Max does not kill Maddox with love through out this year...Chad talked me into the p90x a workout thing..I am sure it will sit on the shelf like most other exercise things in the house...Chad thinks this is the ticket to skinny...I mean healthy...what ever it is I hope it is fun...another day another cure all....

Sleepy Sleepy!

You would think it would be my 3 month old daughter keeping me up at night..NOOOO it is my 3 year old that will not poop in the potty...he woke up to poop last night 2 am and needed me to watch him while he pooped in a diaper not a toilet...I know this should not surprise me considering he still pees outside...currently we are bribing him to poop in the potty with peanut M&M's and a Nerf ball gun... it is going on 2 months of these items hanging in my bathroom above the toilet..any ideas??

Maddox is 3 months today! she is a big girl..she is rolling on her side and will roll from front to back...She enjoys watching herself in the mirror...her new thing is everything goes in her mouth...it is so funny to watch her try to get those toes in her mouth...last night we went to the rapids on the Platte river...she loved being outside and taking a walk..I know I should not have her in the baby pack...but she loves it!! I hope her legs are not permanently frog legged!! she was only in the pack for about an 1 hour! Max threw rocks in the river and chased birds...we also saw a snake and a mouse...ooohhh what fun!

Oohh another Day! offended

Today I have to go the other half of a horrible conference..I usaually like this one but it was awful yesterday...I was offended for most of the day by stupid people...one person actually asked what they should do about a Down's Syndrome 2 year old that bites...really...you have a team of people that work with this child...they seem to think that he was doing it out of spite...they laughed at the notion that he may not be able to hear them or maybe understand them because of hearing issues...I turned around and let them know how possible it is this child may not be able to hear...he may not be able to verbalize the way he wants to and that it is developmentally appropriate for him to bite...I hate stupid people who do not research and try to find common ground and help a child... to look at themselves first before blamming a child...did you know medicare is only for poor stupid people...yes this is what people including the teacher were saying in other one of the sessions I attended..It was awful...I am trying to recieve medicare I am trying to pay medical bills, and have a home...really..this is such a stigma to put on other people..PEOPLE DO NOT THINK!!! I do not know everybodies situation..how can we judge...they judge and they probably will go to church this sunday...