Sunday, January 17, 2010

Pressure Pressure...

pressures of parenting…I am always putting undue pressure on myself…and it manifest itself in my head…I am not sure why I cannot just turn it off…and I know I drive Chad nuts talking about it non-stop…since Max has been born I have worried about his position on the growth chart, nutrition, bowel movements, and how he acts and/or reacts to things and situations…when we were having Maddie I had enrolled him in tumbling…but I backed out when we came home…I was not ready to be in public with my little girl…of course I made the excuse that Max just was not ready…he is now enrolled in soccer for the spring…with Maddox comes so many pressures that I am not sure I can wrap my head around…I am concerned about EVERYTHING…whether it may happen in the next couple of days or in the years to come…of course I feel pressure that she is so small and that she has the darn-dest time eating solid foods…I always feel like I should be doing therapy with her and doing more, more and then some more…I even look at Chad when he is playing with her and think…he should do it this way or that way so it is more therapeutic….but there are huge pressures that I have lost sleep over…the other day I had a set back on my journey of acceptance… about not being able to do the “normal” things a mother does with there daughter…I have always looked forward to having Maddox go to prom, get married, and have a baby…yes I realize she can go to prom...but will this be a form of undue hurt for her…will the boy or girl that asks her to go…be sincere in there proposal…this makes my stomach hurt and I want to protect her from all the mean and snickers in the world…I have always wanted to plan a wedding with my daughter…be the mother of the bride…I never got to do this with my mom…and I think it would be so special…Maddie may get married but it is highly unlikely…I took for granted that I would become a grandmother…and this is another thing Maddie will be highly unlikely to do…this is where the mourning of the “normal” daughter over takes me…the pressure to do right by Maddie is intense….do we move to a bigger city so she has more opportunities to grow and to meet people…Wyoming is not very progressive and under populated…so to stay or to go…pressure sucks…

1 comment:

  1. I just want to hug you tight and tell you that Maddie will be okay. I still get all wound up tight -- I'm going through some kind of weird phase right now actually -- and I understand the pressure.

    On a side note, I LOVE YOUR BLOG HEADER PIC!!! I just want to scoop her up and give her kisses! Adorable!♥♥♥