Saturday, January 9, 2010

Just tired...

have you ever had an “ahh ha” moment…and it is not the good kind…I am slowly coming to realize that no one wants to understand me…that they are getting sick of my inability to get over myself…and that my only outlet is this blog…how sad is that…I never in my wildest dream thought I could feel so alone in such a loud overpopulated world…I am sure this is a bit self imposed…but I am truly fed up… I am tired of people asking how things with Maddie and Max are and not really wanting to know…I do not ask how things are unless I really want to know…not just to be nice or make small talk…I really want a real answer…even if it is long, boring and/or sad…I get vibes that people think I should just get over that Maddie was born with Ds…that I should just be happy that she is alive and that she is not as sick as other people…ok…you deal with consistent worry of stricture and future surgeries…I am sick of hearing…at least she will not have surgery tomorrow…and that her heart surgery is not a big deal…because it is an ASD…not the “bad” kind...REALLY…she is my daughter it is a big deal to me…and I am not getting over that she was born with Ds…I am sure people would feel different if they were going through this…Chad always says this is a “members only” club…he is right…I just want to be heard and validated…that my feelings are normal and ok…I am sick of people rolling there eyes that I want Maddie to drive, be in a regular classroom, that I want her to be independent...oh yeah…this is my reality not there’s…I know she is only 7 months old…I get that she is a baby and I should enjoy every moment…because she is a baby-she is a PERSON…that will grow up…that is reality…I am enjoying her… but my experience is that bad things seem to happen when you least expect them to…it makes me see red when people say she is a miracle and that it is how it is suppose to be…REALLY…a DOCTOR fixed her so she could live…not someone’s supreme deity…she is not how she is suppose to be…she is not the daughter I dreamed of…I know this is harsh…just want the understanding…I hate the roller coaster of emotions that I am on…but it is not as easy as just getting over it…so for the moment...I cry in the shower to protect the people around me…someday I hope to sing again…

4 comments:

  1. im really feel your pain, my daughter was born diferent too,not with ds,but with a rare syndrom called cutis laxa, now she is just 5 moths old and i don´t really know what to expect...just hopping lot of things..like you. I have read a lot of blogs about ds but yours is the one i like most because is real, it's just de reality and not the fairy tales make up a lot of parents do..i found this www.the-specials.com/episodes
    take care...

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  2. I'm sorry that you struggle so much. I wrote a post recently about wanting an IRL friend on this road, too, because I think my friends moved on, as well. I think they got tired of hearing about Ds. Thank goodness for the blogosphere! I don't want to offend you, but I'm praying for you. I'm glad you can come here and be real.

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  3. I cry in the shower to protect the people around me...

    Oh mama. I need to call you. Love you.

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  4. I'm a new viewer :D Check out my blog and follow me! Tell your friends, cuz I only have 3 followers :(

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