Friday, March 26, 2010

Look at me...

Really look at Maddie…a friend pointed this out…I am not sure that I do really look at her…I know I did not when she was born…I know that I was scared and I did not want to love her and get attached to her…I was afraid that she was going to die…I was afraid to be her mom…when Maddie was about 3 or 4 months I finally dissected her body…I remember doing this when Max was just hours old…but with Maddie this was an emotional toll I was not ready for…when I began…I remember noticing her round head with 2 soft spots...her hair was fine, long and unruly…her features were porcelain doll like…her back had that thick patch…and her scars were mending nicely…her hands are chubby and her butt was squishy…and Maddie has thigh-cles! Then I got to her feet! She has web toes…I could not believe it…I could not believe it took so long to find…seriously just weeks ago I found that she has a turned middle toe…so this question or suggestion to really look at Maddie…scares me…I remember the day I fell in love with her…I remember the time that I knew I did not want to live with out her…but to REALLY LOOK at Maddie…makes me feel vulnerable…very inadequate…so last night…I laid right over Maddie and let myself really look at her and try to see her…this is what came to me…lovely, magic, naughty, cute, funny, stubborn, perfect features, her eyes are so blue with wisps of white…looking like a beautiful royal blue hand chief…her hair is great and spunky…her hands are chunky and she is so tactile…her belly is perfect for raspberries and her butt is still squeezable…and this morning Maddie will wake up and this is my favorite time with her…she is so happy to be alive…so cuddly...and she loves to greet her brother with hugs and kisses…she is also ravishing hungry and she squints her face because of the light and she is always so cute…so to really look at Maddie makes me take off my reserves a shield I have put up…to protect myself…by doing this it does allow me to see her beauty…and to see that she is JUST a little girl…trying to find her way through her life… and I am the spectator here to cheer her on…

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