Missed...

last night I had a great time having sushi with a great friend…and catching up…I did not want to come home…that is simply put…I just wanted the time to be me again...a singular person…just me…not a mom….not a wife…not a person with responsibilities…for that instance I thought would they miss me? would they notice…my life has become a routine and a beckoning of everyone else needs and desires…make this appointment…do this…do that…I have crazy thoughts when I drive…when I was pregnant with Maddie…I wanted to get in a car wreck to stop the hurt I was feeling and eliminate the person growing in me…because I was so scared to have a child born with Down Syndrome…and every other diagnosis that was awaiting her arrival…it was a split second thought that felt like a life time…it jolted me…it made me sick to my tummy…I did not feel guilty about this thought and I still do not…I think it is what we do when we are faced with turmoil and the unknown…so I took the long way home last night…when I got home to my surprise… I was greeted with Max opening my car door…and a BIG smile and kiss “I missed you Mommy I thought you were gone forever” and Maddie was jumping out of Chad’s arms to give me a hug and lick…I guess this is one of those times that it is good to go home and see what can happen…sometimes it turns out ok…like Maddie she has been more then I could have wanted and far more then I could have imagined…good thing for a conscience…