Tuesday, May 4, 2010

what a year can do....

One year ago…what a different place I was in…so depressed…scared…sad…anxious…this is when I went on bed rest…this is when the reality of having Maddie came…no longer was it a matter of months…it was a matter of can we keep off labor just a few more days…it was funny I went in for them to check her movement…and I knew I had been laboring for a couple of days I knew the pills were no longer working…but I was determined and scared to make it till May 13…I went in and when the nurse felt the contractions minutes apart…she just looked at me…I said to her you do not have to tell the doctor…I so did not want my journey of Maddie to begin…then the doctor came in with a HUGE smile and laughed and said I heard that! she slowed the contractions…and sent me home…later that afternoon I returned to the hospital…again they slowed them down and I went home…held Max tight and packed! of course I packed everything I did not need…and Chad would not come home early he to was scared…these days before Maddie…were some of the craziest, saddest days I have ever had…to have a child and not know if you will be brining that child home is stressful to say the least…to know that we can not change anything or fix anything…just let doctors so there jobs…we did not know if we would have to grow the tube attaching the esophagus to the stomach or if it would ever be able to attached…we did not know if she had a stomach…we did not know if she had a structure/fistula between her trachea and esophagus…we did not know if her heart was healthy…we did not know if she had a butt hole…very common with what Maddie was diagnosed for…all we knew was that she was healthier in my belly then she was in this world and that she had a third chromosome…the doctors fixed my little girl…and she is healthy today…she is scooting…eating raviolis…and she is beautiful…I love her today…and it took a long time for me to say that…the other day I realized if they could take away the third chromosome would I let them…and today I would say no…I would take away the hurt, pain, % of illness…but I would not take away who she is…she is Maddox Rose and she was born with Down Syndrome…and she cannot be changed…and that is ok….

4 comments:

  1. Wow, that's a big statement to make! It's quite a journey to get there for so many of us, too. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, even the dark ones... you will help countless moms (and dads) who stumble upon your blog having those same sad / dark / angry feelings. Your words will surely uplift them and give them hope.

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  2. I know in the beginning for me your words touched me more than anyone else's Kim, becuase they were honest, real, and I had felt them too. There are days still where the Down syndrome scares me...the not knowing whats around the next corner, but like you said its a part of our children, it is who they are, and I wouldnt take it from Russell either.
    Maddox Rose is such a beautiful name by the way, I love it :)

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  3. It IS ok! Love this post. I remember those feelings... I wouldn't take the Down syndrome away either. That wouldn't make Justin... Justin! Great post!

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  4. I'm with you...I just cannot imagine Gabriel without having Down syndrome. Because and despite Gabriel having Ds, I am more aware of kindness, creativity, nuturing and the importance of those everyday things we take advantage of otherwise. I love my son much more than I have ever feared him having Down syndrome.

    Hugs for that beautiful Maddox for us!♥

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