Wednesday, May 12, 2010

snow sucks...

Maddie is sucking her thumb…everything I have done to prevent this…is well for nothing! So yes she is a pacifier and thumb sucker! Double the TROUBLE!! I am not sure why I choose this of all things to obsess about…I am going to admit something that is going to sound VERY bad…and please do not take offense to it…it seems with Maddie I think that if I let her do things such as suck a thumb, stay on the bottle to long, etc…she will never unlearn or cope…example…we always had a family bed with Max and with Maddie one of my first thoughts was… we cannot do this…she will sleep with us forever! Turns out she has her own space in the bed she hates cuddling and she loves to sing herself asleep…so with the thumb sucking I really thought if I let her suck her thumb she will suck it FOREVER…not for just a few years… forever…I seem to think she will be in an infant or in a child like state forever….of course I know this is not the case…and I am being silly…so this one bit me in the butt...Today last year was the longest day of my life…and the hardest…Chad did not want to come home...today was the day we took off to Denver to have Maddie…today I am anxious and on the edge of crying...I know tomorrow will be better…I am surprised at how much emotion it takes to have a Maddie…with all of her greatness…there is so much wonder and just wait and see…something that I have to get used to among other things…outside it is snowing and gloomy…in May …I think it is telling me today is the last day you will cry about the pregnancy and delivery of Maddie that it is time to wash away the fear…that her 1st birthday is the beginning of me celebrating her life and not dwelling on her differences…and to see the sunshine and maybe even smile…

3 comments:

  1. That's so funny, because I keep hoping that Sutter will find his thumb and LOVE IT! Landon my oldest is a thumb sucker and I think it is part of the reason he is such a good sleeper/napper. Not to mention I love that I have never had to look for a binki in the middle of the night! :) So far Sutter won't take a binki or suck his thumb and go figure he hates to nap! I was a thumb sucker myself and so maybe that's why it isn't that big of a deal to me....yes I sucked my thumb until I was 12 and I had to have metal prongs put in my mouth to make me stop, but I did stop. I hope Landon out grows it before that, but I guess he may not, and we'll cross that bridge when we get there!

    I hope the clouds part and sun is out tomorrow so that you can find your smile! :)

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  2. I had a thumb sucker too, until she was 8! I always thought it looked so cute :)
    I know exactly what you are trying to say in this post...you know when they first told me about Russell my mind instantly flashed forward to him as an adult, to us taking care of him forever, to him still being in this "childlike" state. I know what you mean Kim and I am always glad you post how you feel wether it sounds horrible or not cause I have shared so many of your feelings.
    I have heard people say the first year is the hardest, and I think along with all the happiness, joy and love we feel for our kids this first year, we also need this time to feel sad, angry or upset. Every time we release how we feel or cry, we move forward in healing and getting on with life. I know that come the end of Nov this year I am going to be going through the exact same thing you are now.I still cry when I talk about Russells birth. It hurts to say that his birth was the most difficult, painful, darkest time of my life...but it was. Allow yourself this time...and come Maddies first birthday like you said you will celebrate her life and find your smile :)
    Oh, and it SUCKS you have snow in May!! Ha ha

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  3. You're right, snow in May does suck! I also know what you mean about thinking about her being in a childlike state forever, I think I went through that emotion too, I even wondered if Emily would ever be potty trained! I think that this next year is going to be wonderful for you, you have been honest about your emotions and are working through them and I think you are probably close to seeing the rainbow after the rain.

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