Sunday, December 13, 2009

getting over myself...

Babies…my view on them is very different from going through the Maddox! I used to be so excited and loved when people were thinking about getting pregnant and people being pregnant…and just loving the whole process…that has changed…I just do not think that people have perfect babies now…I even think of people who have miscarriages differently…I feel for them I feel for the death of there baby...it is not so fleeting to me…that it was just the body rejecting the fetus…I now view that fetus as a baby regardless of the week of gestation the mother is in…I am also soured in the whole celebration of the babies arrival…what prompted this??? An invite to a baby shower…I have to admit I am not a fan of them…I used to love going shopping for the mom and the baby…now not so much...I am not sure if it is jealousy…or if it is my bitterness of my own pregnancy…I loved being pregnant with Maximus…I hated being pregnant with Maddox…so I got tied! While I was pregnant with Maddox I attended a baby shower for a friend of mine...it was one of the hardest things I did while I was pregnant…I did not have a baby shower I would not allow it…at that time we did not know if Maddox would survive and I was not going to come home to a room full of pink baby things and no baby…when we did get out of the hospital and home I attended another baby shower for a friend and it was still equally hard…I was so mad and angry that I was not as happy as those two friends…one of the friends did the prenatal testing for Down Syndrome and her test came back a false positive…her baby even had markers for Down Syndrome…and Maddox had nothing…until the no bubble ultra sound…now I have another baby shower that I should attend…and I can have a million reason why I should not go…and one reason why I should…because I will feel guilty and I should get over myself…I have five days to decide!

6 comments:

  1. I can relate to this--sometimes when I hear someone new is pregnant, I secretely hope that their baby will have Ds too. Sometimes I think that is b/c I get irritated when people take it for granted that their baby is healthy and typical...and they don't appreciate what they have. Other times, I think I want them to have a baby with Ds b/c it would be nice to have a friend that REALLY understands what it is like--the good and the bad.

    I say just do whatever you can handle--and let go of any guilt about it--just take it all one day at a time.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I know how you feel too. I find myself obessing when I see a family or a picture of a family with 3 kids and not one has a thing wrong with them. Secretly I think to myself "that was supposed to be us with the 3 "perfect" kids". And then I catch myself everytime because no, that's not how it was supposed to be, how it is now is how is was always meant to be and my kids are perfect regardless if one of them has DS.

    I know it's so hard not to have mixed feelings about babies and I suppose we always will but I do think we will just have to get over ourselves:)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I also know how you feel as well. I did not have a shower either. I had so many health type issue and just the stress of the whole pregnancy was a lot to deal with. I don't miss it though. I don't think I could have handled it at the time. Yes I am sure we all feel a tinge of something when going to a shower or seeing a new baby or a pregnant mom. I have those split second thoughts and then I stop myself because I love my little man who I love dearly. I say play it by ear and decide on if you will go by your gut feeling. If it's too much I am sure they would understand.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Hello my friend. I believe I went through a lot of what you are going through right now. Eventually, these feelings will decrease.

    I passed by to mention that I started something called T21 Ability Monday. I thought we could come together and share our children's milestones and abilities in bloggy world. Pass by and link up.

    Blessings

    Windmills and Tulips

    ReplyDelete
  5. Good grief. If you are not in a place where you can celebrate with the mother-to-be, yet, then skip it! No guilt! I'm sure there will be many times in your life where you will screw up and should feel guilty. This is NOT one of them! Cut yourself some slack...stay home and play with your cuties! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Oh mama. After I had the miscarriage, I understood how many things have to go perfectly to have a baby, and this one is no different. I am still super freaked, and not because you freaked me out. After a miscarriage (also knows as a Missed Abortion - crazy name) it's hard on me to know so many women don't ever have any problems. I kept joking after the D&C that I had to pay for a baby with the bills, but didn't have anything to show for it but some extra weight. The thing is, that's how I am. I joke. Because it's how I deal. Alot of people don't appreciate my humor but if it helps me then who cares. At least that is my perspective on it.

    You do what you need to do. If any mama is pissed that she didn't get an extra bib or onesie because you didn't attend, then she needs to pull her head out of her ass and understand that even though everyone says it is all about you, it isn't. It's all about each of us as mamas, just trying to do our best and damndest to get by and be the best mama WE think we can be.

    XOXO - Proud of you.

    ReplyDelete