Friday, December 11, 2009

Bad Panic...

As I have blogged awhile…I feel I have gotten to know some people in the same boat as me…and of course I know some friends and family read this….most subjects I do not speak about face to face…and with that I sometimes think I should sensor my thoughts…that I put into this blog…then Chad reminds me this is my therapy to get through this time in my life…a time not many can understand…as me and Maximus were on the way to the store…I was going through a intersection and I began to panic…I seem to remember not so good parts of my pregnancy (my insecurities) with Maddie at random times of day…when I was pregnant with Maddie I was going in for the routine diabetes test that all pregnant women go through…I kept putting it off because by this time every test I taken had come back positive for what ever they were looking for…I was by this time sick of everything and my pregnancy was becoming to much…because I understood that the baby with Down Syndrome would eventually be my reality…sitting in the intersection I remember not wanting to move out of the way for traffic I wanted to get hit by a car…I wanted to stop the crazy that was going on…I new Maximus was home safe and Chad was at work safe and that they would be fine and taken care of…I remember thinking this was my way out of the unknown I was about to endure…I eventually got to the lab to take the test and I was fine…days later it was the first test that came back not positive…it was a big deal for me…baby steps! Today if Maddie cries… I cry…I cannot imagine hurting her…or her not being here…I CAN believe I had those thoughts and urges and I am glad I had the strength to jump into this journey with Maddie…now to keep forgettable memories at bay…

1 comment:

  1. My thing was stairs. It was during the nights after we found out about Gabe having Ds. "Maybe if I fell down the stairs..." Those were some of my blackest moments. I have never written about them either. Til now.

    Lately, Gabe is into standing on stairs in our house, and then he jumps into his Dad's arms. I guess in a way it is symbolic, isn't it?

    It's amazing how love can change fear into acceptance. I truly cannot see Gabe without Down syndrome. Down syndrome so intricately woven into our life now that it seems like it's suppose to be this way, and none other. And I can't see only Down syndrome either. Gabe's being is so large now that Ds dims in comparison.