Tuesday, December 7, 2010

sad sad went away...

For about a month or 2 now…I have been feeling different towards Down Syndrome…I do not hate it as much as I used to…I am not scared of “it” at all…I have a full grasp of the risks that are involved for my little girl and I understand it is a game of percentages…I know and have a satisfied feeling that I have actively participated in all aspects of Maddie’s health and development…and I am ok being Maddie’s mom…I am at peace with her…I know 2 years...it took me 2 years to get here…yes it did! And I am ok with it….Chad had this HUGE picture made of Maddie…and it is sitting front and center in our home…it is beautiful…but when I saw it…it took me back a minute...I thought is that really my daughter…you can see the Down Syndrome in the picture and is simply put --Maddie…I wanted to get worked up about it…but I didn’t…I just looked at the picture and said that is my little girl…and I am lucky to be her mom…I am sure I will have my moments…but that is it they have became moments not days and weeks…of depression…this weekend we cut down our Christmas tree on the mountain…it hit me like a ton of bricks my state of mind was not so good last year…I was trying to put on a happy face...but I was not happy I was not secure and I was not ok…I was depressed; I was sad…I think I felt pressure to put on a happy face for Max and others…thinking back I  am not sure I did a great job of masking the sadness…I ran into an old friend about a month ago and I cried as told her about Maddie…I hate that I did that…because it was not that I am sad or embarrassed I am just done…done with my pity party…done with being sad and angry…so what took Chad 24 hours to get to his “ok” place…it took me almost 2 years to say…Maddie is my daughter and that is all that matters…

5 comments:

  1. I've been following your blog for a while and praying for you to get to this point and before you wrote this I noticed you were already there...I could tell the difference just by what you were posting. I am so amazed by you and how you allowed yourself to take your time and work through this thing...many people would have just given up and given into being depressed for the remainder of their life, but you kept working through it. I am glad I got to see this through your blog :-) I hope I get to meet you and your beautiful Maddie in real life one day!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I noticed this in you also...That you were feeling more at peace lately. I am so happy you are "there"...I am greatful to you for sharing ALL your feelings along the way, they have helped me out quite a bit. I know we will always have moments where a tinge of sadness creeps in, but like you said they are only moments. I'm really happy for you Kim, Maddie is such a beautiful little girl :)

    ReplyDelete
  3. There is no magic time frame for accepting Ds, and I'm glad you are there. That has to lift a great weight from you. There are still days I really don't like Ds, but I love all of my daughter, as you do too!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I absolutely LOVE your profile photo of your little sweetie. Beautiful post. I've been reading your blog for quite a while now and I'm really happy for you... like Melissa said, it doesn't matter how long it took, just that you got there. Yay!

    ReplyDelete
  5. I, too, have noticed the shift in your posts lately. I'm so glad you'ver reached this point - trust me, we all *knew* you would!
    :-)
    Thank you again for sharing so much of yourself here.

    ReplyDelete