Tuesday, September 25, 2012

not so long ago...


Do you remember scared? Do you remember the pit in your tummy that may or may not have gone away...do you remember the hallow unrecognizable look in your whole being...it was not the dignosis that gave me scared...it was the unknown...it was the unknown if the baby was going to live or die...and if i was going to have to make that choice...do you really remember scared...I do...I remember the throw up state of my life...where I felt at any minute I could throw up and lose it...competely...cry on a whim...and the anger that over took me...the why me...why us...why now...and today I wish I never would see another person in this state...I wish upon no one my journey...I thought i did...when I was going through the beginning of being Maddie's mom I wanted everyone to experience the scared...I wanted others to hurt and feel the raw pain I felt...I did not want to be alone...now I feel like this journey was mine...and I really do not think just anyone can handle it...not that I am better...I just know how to cameleon my way through life...I was damaged goods after Maddie...I was sad, scared, hurt, broken...now I am ok..just ok...I am not sure I will ever be that girl I once was...why...because I have met scared...and it does not end...when Maddie has a blood test, a surgery, another unknown...I get that scared pit in my tummy...it is the unknown that I cannot get over...it is not the extra goodness...it is the extra unknowns...scared is not what is comfortable...it is not something you can wish away, pray away, or drink away...it is always there in the pit of my tummy and the back of my mind...it has forever changed me...and that is ok...I got something pretty great out of my biggest unknown...

2 comments:

  1. YOU are amazing. You always have been. You are still you. Just better. Truly.

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  2. I feel like since having Russell I have lost a sense of security I use to have...I guess I just realize more now that anything can happen, to anyone at anytime...I worry more now...But I guess that just comes with the territory.

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