You know when you are judged on your parenting skills...and you do not know what to say...or how to handle them...and all the while you feel guilty and ashamed...well this is a common occurrence for me...parenting is something I find not to be smooth or just second nature...I remember when i was not a parent I thought I would be so awesome...I had all the answers...I aced my early childhood classes in college...I knew what philosophy I most agreed with and came natural to me...it was the Reggio Amileo approach...in a nut shell learn through play and experience...that there is no wrong way to get to your desired outcome as long as there is learning...so of course this is my philosophy in parenting...I allow my children to have opinions and choices from a very young age...I have taught them to have a voice and to use that voice...this is were the problem lies...not everyone thinks kids should have a opinion...It is good in theory...but not good when your 7 year old is telling an unpopular truth...or not acting in the societal norm..my son is what you would call bright, inquisitive, brash, and tactless...he is a combination of me and his dad...I am the tactless one...and I still struggle with being nice and not so truthful...then Maddie enters the picture...I have been told how to raise her since the NICU...my community baby...but now that she is 3 and independent...behaviors of hers are not so cute...her stomping of the foot with her arms crossed and yelling gibberish at me...is not so great...I was asked the other day if I wanted to have a makeover or do over with my son...if I wanted to change him...change him from being so brash and not nice at times...I gave a look of horror...and one i think that the person knew I was not happy about...but it got me thinking...I teach him to say no now so he can say no when a stranger is trying to touch him or a friend is trying to get him to make a bad choice...I teach him to tell his truth with a reason and evidence because someday he will have to teach the world about tolerance for his sister and others...I want Maddie to be just as vocal just and brash...I do not want a makeover for my children...I want them to be unforgettable...I want them to teach the world something...the other day there was a person that kept getting in Maddie's face...I wanted to back them up...I did once to show Maddie how to do it...and then I waited and waited for her to do it...to physically tell them no and back them up with her hand...for some reason people think they have to talk slow, loud, and in Maddie face...in reality they just need to talk nice and she will listen...but this person just kept doing this...Maddie would back up and she would come closer...finally after about 30 minutes of this she did it...she backed her up with her hand and said no...if Max does this he is a mean 7 year old...when Maddie does this she is independent...I want my kids to be nice and polite but I think adults need to be also...I think as adults we get moody and do not want to be touched or bugged...but if your a kid you just have to take it and smile...I love how everyone wants a smile from Maddie...but sometimes Maddie is not into giving a smile...sometimes she wants to be left alone...and yes I encourage this...and then in the next breath am embarrassed my kid is not nice... I let my kids get dirty and squeeze the glue out into a big blob of a mess...I do this because who cares...I let Maddie draw on herself...because when she is older it won't be ok...the only thing I know about parenting...I know nothing and just hope for the best...and maybe just maybe my kids will grow up to be productive and contributing members of our society...maybe...and then I remember how nice my children were at age 2...they were nice, cute, charming, and everything was ok...I just think kids have a lot of pressure on them...charming an adult should not be one of them...
Potty training...I am not sure Maddie is interested or even feels the sensation yet to go to the potty...she has peed in the potty one time...
the dreaded r-word...as a parent of a child born with Down syndrome I have moments when the r-word brings on a panic attack...I become ang...
There is no perfect way to parent, and we all kind of suck at it. Unfortunately everyone and their brother feels the god given right to judge you and tell you how to do it. The truth is that these are your children. You get to decide how to raise them. Raise your child in the way that seems right to you. Everyone else can raise their children any way they want too, but they can't raise your children. Dr. Seuss said it best, "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
ReplyDeleteMy favorite is when an adult asks a kid a quesiton and then does not listen to the . answer. We usually stop hanging around those people. This reminds me of the time I had my 7 year old daughter at the dollar store. We were waiting in line behind a very boisterous woman on her cell phone. She did not even acknowledge the cashier just kept on and on about so and so and this and that. I actually told my daughter to 'shhhh be quiet, that lady is on the phone". And then I thought to myself WTF!! Why am I telling my daughter to be quiet for this rude lady. Society has changed, courtesy is lacking, social mores are different. There is no right way to parent. Each circumstance brings with it new challenges.
ReplyDeletePeople seriously need to respect the boundaries of our children. Samantha hates it when people are all in her face, and *I* hate it when they baby talk her. Drives. Me. Nuts. Well said. Good points you've brought up here. :-)
ReplyDeleteDo any of us really know what we're doing? I know there are things that I do differently with each of my children. Mostly based on their own personality and from my own lessons learned with Natalie. I feel sorry for her sometimes because everything with her is new territory. I know someday I might look back and say I wish I had done something differently but for now I am learning too, how to be a parent. I really think that you are right, children should have a voice. It's ok for them to be moody or honest or happy or sad. I totally understand not having a filter too, my husband doesn't have one and while I love that he is always honest, sometimes it's ok to NOT say what you are thinking at that exact moment, lol.
ReplyDeleteRaising kids is tough, and we all do it differently and we all learn as we go...For me, I want my kids to be outspoken and strong...I want them to share their opinions and not be afraid to do so, or care what others think...But at the same time I want them to be polite and respectful. It's a fine line, and hard to teach that balance sometimes, but that's what I'm aiming for!
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
Parenting is HARD!! I too want Claire to be independent and strong, but oh boy, the tantrums that come along with trying to help her with anything are doozies. I too get embarrassed with the behavior. It's a hard balance to get to, and I haven't found mine yet. :)
ReplyDeleteNo touchy Max's hair!
ReplyDeleteI remember, before I was a mother, thinking of babies and something to be molded. I was shocked to learn they come preset with a whole personality of their own! Parenting is so much more difficult from the inside out, but looked a lot easier from the outside in. I found it was helpful to listen to some advice, ignore others and then go with your gut instinct.
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