Wednesday, August 31, 2011

2nd thoughts...

this is really silly of me...and I am not sure why I am feeling such a hinker for being pregnant...just being pregnant with no premonitions...I loved being pregnant...I loved to feel my baby move...I always had such a strong connection with my babies...I will never forget lying on the floor taking a nap and feeling a gush of strange energy and what seemed to me in hind sight when Maddie became Maddie...it was a strange feeling...it was a strange painful feeling I cannot explain well...and I remember smiling and patting my tummy...being so excited to be pregnant again...I knew I was pregnant before I took the 30 home pregnancy tests...with Max and Maddie I was never sick or tired...then at 5 months pregnant...I had the no bubble ultra sound with Maddie...and from that day on I knew...something was up...one month later it was confirmed that my little girl was going to be born enhanced...and then I hated my pregnancy...I hated being pregnant....I did not want the baby...I stopped having anything to do with that pregnancy...of course Maddie was kicking me and making sure I did not forget so fast...and they were forceful kicks...with so much fluid -my baby could roll...then the problems began with my pregnancy...and I could no longer ignore that I was pregnant...and lying in the hospital yelling at a nurse to stop hurting me...and I said to her straight in the eye...you make me go into preterm labor my baby will die...you get it...and she left the room...and they understood that in my home town they could not treat me...I went home on medication and was drained of amniotic fluid three times in Denver during my pregnancy...and with each 4-D ultra sound and drain...I loved my little girl a little more...I became more scared of her...and all the unknowns...but I loved her and I was willing and able to be her mom...but going through a hard diagnosis, grieving for the daughter I thought I would never have...I did not love my pregnancy with Maddie...and I want to love being pregnant again...I want to read an email of what my baby is growing again...totally selfish on my part...but this is a fleeting want....I cannot have anymore babies...I made a decision in the hardest moments of my life...and I got "fixed"...I was 100% sure I did not want anymore kids...Chad would ask me regularly are you sure you want to do this...referring to the getting my tubes tied...and I would enthusiastically say yes...I even said to the Doctor that it needed to take...because I could not do this again...that I was emotionally spent...today I am not so sure I do not want more kids...I would love to feel a baby kick again...and not be afraid of that kick...I would love to feel that feeling of meeting my baby for the first time again...and not being so scared because she is frothing from the mouth and knowing that she is having surgery in a few short hours...I would love to hold my baby for as long as I wanted to without someone telling me I am over stressing my baby...I would love to have a home birth or an orgasmic birth...something different...I know totally selfish on my part...and I am not sure my already stretched tummy could take another...so for now I will live vicariously through friends that are having tummies full of bundles of joy...

7 comments:

  1. I loved being pregnant too...LOVED IT!!! I often think or dream about getting pregnant just to do it one more time...the part I can't wrap my head around is starting over with a newborn. Enjoy the new babies that you get to snuggle and give back and maybe one day you can "reverse" the tubes???

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  2. my husband got "fixed" after having Fiona, because she was our third and I was 100 percent sure I couldn't mentally handle another pregnancy since all of mine were high risk. But, lately, I have had baby fever. Not for right now, but the thought that I really would like to have another baby in a few years and I am sad we made a permanent decision. But then again, we got pregnant with our boys using all sorts of protection, so I guess if God really wants us to have another kid, its always a possibility. Just trying to enjoy every bit of Fiona's baby stages as best as I can. And remember that I have been blessed three times over and who knows, any more might be the straw that breaks the camels back

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  3. I too loved being pregnant and used to be jealous of those that were...wanting to be again myself. But, now, I look at my two girls and feel like this is okay...this is how my life is supposed to be. I cherish those pregnant memories just as I do my wedding day. I will always hold them close and enjoy the new stage of life I find myself now in. :).

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  4. I am not meant to have any more babies, my uterus was damaged from csection to get Cy out and we were SO lucky with Owen not to lose him/me or both - if he had been full term instead of 6 weeks early it could have been very different. I often wonder if a low risk pregancy/newborn would heal a part of me that is deeply scarred - I will never know but i often find myself just wondering. Viv

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  5. We got fixed about a month after Russell was born...Mostly because I just never wanted to go through HIS birth experience again. It was to devastating and painful...There have been times I wished we had one more right after him...But almost like Viv said, I wonder if I want that mostly because it would heal the part of me that was crushed with my last birth experience. For now I am happy where we are, with the kids we have. And its exciting to watch everyone else have their babies :)

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  6. I love being pregnant. Seems maybe this isn't as rare as I thought. My first 2 were while I was young and very healthy. The last 2 have been "Advanced Maternal Age" and (as you know) the current pregnancy has us preparing for a son (finally!) with Down syndrome. These last 2 have been very rough on me, physically. This one has, of course, been very rough emotionally (and not just due to the DS).

    We thought we were done. I very nearly had an irreversible procedure done to stop pregnancies. But I didn't want the drugs they wanted to use for the procedure while I was breastfeeding, so I went with something more temporary... then hubby suggested another.

    I've often thought about and really wanted to be a surrogate mother, but I don't think it will ever happen. I'm trying to make sure I enjoy as much of this pregnancy as I can, but I'm just not as into it as I was last time. There has been less space in between this time, too, and I've got my hands full with a toddler.

    Sorry to ramble. I think I just wanted to voice some support here. I don't think I could take another pregnancy, physically or possibly emotionally.

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  7. That made me cry. I don't thing I've ever written a post about my pregnancy w/Eslea. It was awful. That amazed me because I enjoyed my first pregnancy so much. But with Eslea I didn't want to be pregnant. I felt the entire time something was WRONG although the doctors said everything was okay. When she was born and the DS and CHD dxs ...I was devastated. I didn't get "fixed" because I felt like I wanted another baby. A better baby. It was a bad time. I'm glad I can have more children and I do want to. I can't imagine wanting to and not able. I'd wrap you in hugs if I could.
    You are more then welcome to come to South Georgia and get some baby love from Eslea if you want though! Anytime.
    -erin

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