Tuesday, August 23, 2011

look...

I really have not felt this good since before I had Maddie...or I suppose I should say before the diagnosis...this weekend was a all girls weekend...just me and Maddie...I thought I would go low key and just enjoy my Maddie...in this quiet time I get to reflect on how far we have come...we hiked the bridle trail which is about 5 miles up on the mountain...I truly found me there over the last couple of years...2.5 hours of complete silence will do a lot for sorting out life...we enjoyed a little Starbucks and each other...we went to bed early and woke up early...it is nice...I watched Maddie play and how her little imagination is evolving into such wonderment...she will play with her dolls...talk with them...put them to bed and tuck them in...when she feels like it she will open the patio screen door and go outside and drive her car...she has become such a real child...a child that is so "normal"...I wish I could have seen this before she was born and when she was a baby...I remember my brother commenting to me that he was worried that I was missing Maddie by all the grief I was feeling...I do not feel I missed anything...but I do admit I felt very isolated and scared when Maddie was younger...I got some really good advice the other day...that I need to take Maddie as many places as possible and let Maddie do the talking for me...when Maddie is present there really is nothing for me to say or do...she oooses love, kindness, and what is truly right in the world...yesterday I uttered the words..."not everyone gets to be as lucky as us to be in the presence of Maddie and greatness" I truly feel this way...I did not feel this way years ago...but I have come full circle...I think that is why it hurts so much when someone does not see Maddie for her...it has been commented to me several times in the last couple of days that Maddie does not look like she "has" Down Syndrome...when Maddie was a baby this would have been a compliment...today it makes me confused on the emphasis we/I put on outer appearance...as a women of course I think about looks from time to time...I have used my looks to get out of speeding tickets and get better prices on things...and so on...but I am not really interested in what people think of me...I know who I am and what I am...when Maddie entered the picture I was obsessed and ridiculous with wanting to disguise the Ds markers...I even checked into plastic surgery...pathetic really! but I had to go through the process...I have come to love my Maddie and her looks...Ds or not...she is the most beautiful person I know...and  I think as she gets older I will continue to see her for Maddie not anything else...

8 comments:

  1. Beautiful! I can feel your sense of "freedom" in this post! I truly wish all new moms faced with the diagnosis of Ds could read what you just wrote because it is all so true and real!

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  2. Yes, we all come full circle in our own time. I truly think my daughter has made me a better person and see the world in a way I would have never before...a much better one. I agree with Wren above...new moms need to read this post. :)

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  3. Truly sounds like some wonderful girlie time to me. Hey and I want to hang out with you guys too ohhhh I so want a little girl ! Owen will feed the baby doll with a spoon then grab it by the hair and throw it across the room no soft nurturing touch there ! Viv

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  4. Beautiful post. I can relate. Have a wonderful week.

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  5. Wonderful post. I am so touched by the honesty with which parents of children with DS share the dark parts of their journeys. Our son Spencer will be born (with DS) in January.

    As we were awaiting testing (we already knew things didn't look good), I went through the shallow thoughts. I didn't want to have a baby that people looked at and just saw DS features. Then there was the scary thought of a different chromosomal issue... one that I felt was worse (visible features) then DS.

    Thankfully, by the time we got the test results, we were mostly just glad to KNOW. I'd already been through most of my dark thoughts. We love our son and look forward to his arrival.

    Thanks again for baring yourself here. So glad someone shared your blog with me!

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  6. I love to hear people talk about coming full circle, because I never had these emotions. I'm not sure why.
    Oh and I remember seeing a tv show years ago where a family did plastic surgery on their DS sons face. I was so angry I could spit. This poor boy all bloody and bandaged because their family couldn't handle their own stupidity. Whew, sorry, thinking about it still makes me so angry!

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  7. The reason I fell in love with your blog was because you shared your real feelings from day one, and I so needed to read someone else saying the things I was feeling. Your blog has helped me heal in so many ways as well. I have loved watching you come full circle Kim. Maddie is such a beauty and it has been so fun watching her grow into a little girl :)

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  8. Love. Love. Love. Excellent post. And Maddie is TRULY BEAUTIFUL.

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