Sunday, November 29, 2009

I may offend...

Maddox is not less of a daughter….I do believe this to be true…but I have many shortcoming….I understand needing to get over myself…I also understand I need to figure this whole insecurity thing out…I am sure most people are saying get through this ALREADY…the other day in car…(I talk to myself)…I said “Really Kim just get over this TODAY”…I could be such a great advocate…if I could begin believing what I tell people when people want me to answer questions or pretend I am ok! so I had a few days of bliss…I thought Maddox was cute and funny…and smart….everything she is but then…I see something that sets me swirling down into pure sickness…I see an image of something I am SOOOO not comfortable with…for example I think I can handle Down Syndrome and then I see I am not ready to venture out of my very layered and censored life…I really only let certain images into my view…I do this as a coping mechanism…I am very tiered of most people telling me that Maddox is a blessing…or that it is a non-disjunction event when sperm met egg…that I will be forever changed for the good…why does a story about a person with Down Syndrome have to be inspiring or heart warming…why can it not be about MY truth… that having a child with Down Syndrome…is scary, sometimes sad, frustrating, hard, and complicated…maybe I am the only one…I am frustrated with people insinuating that I am some how going to feel that this is the best thing I have ever experienced…that I will grow with this experience…I am waiting for these things to happen…and if Maddox is the best thing ever and a true blessing where does that leave Maximus…does this short change Maximus that he is not the chosen one…Maximus always says “I love my sister” “she is perfect” with a hug and a kiss…I think he is trying to tell me something…

6 comments:

  1. You don't offend. This is YOUR journey and your reactions and feelings are valid. I would suggest that, if you really don't feel like you are up to the challenge of accepting Ds, I would be happy to take her off your hands. She's a doll!

    Thought maybe I'd try shock value to get you out of the mully-grubs. :) She has Down syndrome, but she is not Down syndrome. She is your sweet little girl. Celebrate all that is good about her. ALL children are blessings and ALL children have special needs (This I know...I have six!). With Ds, at least we get a glimpse of what those needs will be...it's the blindsiding kind that get me! Hang in there. You're doing great!

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  2. you made me smile...I needed that shock! I had to read it twice!! I love it...thank you...

    and no you cannot have her!

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  3. I'm certainly not offended. I understand where you're "stuck" actually.

    I was "there" for a long time...BUT I do want to caution you about regret.

    When I look back on those years of grieving, (and I do this quite often through pictures, videos and vivid memories) I wasn't "plugged into" the moment. I feel like I missed SO much with Gabe's babyhood because I was struggling to accept that he has Ds. I wouldn't wish this type of regret on any parent.

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  4. very good point...I need to see the moment...maybe with the new year!

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  5. Your journey is probably similar to most (your words resonate back to a time when John Michael was about 8 months old and I didn't want to see other people with Ds.) You're still at the relative beginning of growing and accepting and loving and being and you're very open and honest about your feelings. I wasn't. At least not publicly. But for the past year, (he just turned 2) I've been ready to show the world how awesome my little guy is and no, his 3 other sibs don't feel short-changed. Their lives have been enhanced by this extra chromosome of John Michael's, too. Your journey, your time. Thanks for sharing your feelings.

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