Perception is a funny little thing...when I began blogging I was a very lost soul...I was scared and confused...I was depressed...but I would not admit that to anyone...I would pretend I was ok and clearly everyone who could see me could tell I was not ok...we gathered with old friends of ours the other day and they commented on how things have changed that chad and I were actually out like adults...we laughed...and I began to ponder about the perception of how I was when Maddie was born...when I re-read some of my old posts I can clearly hear my desperation and sadness...I could not talk about Maddie in real life...because nobody could and wanted to understand my feelings...I was told to get over it...to just thank god she was alive...that we were special parents...so I became a recluse...I only saw people that came to my house...I went shopping for groceries and that was about it...I was safe from judgement...and I blogged to tell my story ...to release all my feelings and build myself back up...I have gotten emails from people and comments not liking that I am so honest or arguing my feelings with me...and I have learned from all of them...I read them I discussed them and I put them in my toolbox...when you have a child born with a special need the books tell you it's going to be ok and tips on how your fairy tale ending is still in sight...but none of them spoke to me...I really thought I was the only one feeling scared and lonely...the blogging world showed me I was not alone...and then I re-read yesterday's post...and I wondered how Maddie would perceive this blog and what her mother has written...when I said that her glasses looked like she was born with Down syndrome...I thought -really Kim! And what does Down syndrome look like...how ignorant of me...how insensitive...I would not have been ok with anyone saying that about Maddie and yet I write it...on the Internet...I do think i have to be honest with my blog...but I do know I can be nice and respectful of Maddie while doing it...I really only care what Maddie thinks and how Maddie perceives what I have written...to change others and how they think of Maddie I must work on me...
Friday, January 4, 2013
Mirror...
Perception is a funny little thing...when I began blogging I was a very lost soul...I was scared and confused...I was depressed...but I would not admit that to anyone...I would pretend I was ok and clearly everyone who could see me could tell I was not ok...we gathered with old friends of ours the other day and they commented on how things have changed that chad and I were actually out like adults...we laughed...and I began to ponder about the perception of how I was when Maddie was born...when I re-read some of my old posts I can clearly hear my desperation and sadness...I could not talk about Maddie in real life...because nobody could and wanted to understand my feelings...I was told to get over it...to just thank god she was alive...that we were special parents...so I became a recluse...I only saw people that came to my house...I went shopping for groceries and that was about it...I was safe from judgement...and I blogged to tell my story ...to release all my feelings and build myself back up...I have gotten emails from people and comments not liking that I am so honest or arguing my feelings with me...and I have learned from all of them...I read them I discussed them and I put them in my toolbox...when you have a child born with a special need the books tell you it's going to be ok and tips on how your fairy tale ending is still in sight...but none of them spoke to me...I really thought I was the only one feeling scared and lonely...the blogging world showed me I was not alone...and then I re-read yesterday's post...and I wondered how Maddie would perceive this blog and what her mother has written...when I said that her glasses looked like she was born with Down syndrome...I thought -really Kim! And what does Down syndrome look like...how ignorant of me...how insensitive...I would not have been ok with anyone saying that about Maddie and yet I write it...on the Internet...I do think i have to be honest with my blog...but I do know I can be nice and respectful of Maddie while doing it...I really only care what Maddie thinks and how Maddie perceives what I have written...to change others and how they think of Maddie I must work on me...
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I read this post yesterday and have been thinking about it ever since...You have made me question myself and my blog...How Russell will feel when he is older reading my words...I think I might post on this topic also! I liked this post because it really made me think.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I have loved your blog since the day I found it three years ago, because your words are raw and honest, and I have always appreciated that.
Oh the feelings and thoughts we parents of children with special needs have! (I expect they are close to the same thoughts every parent has!)
ReplyDeleteMy kids are grown and although Beth doesn't read my blog, her sisters do. We've had many discussions about it. About them feeling less important and yes, they even said 'neglected'. They weren't neglected growing up, but our blogs are definitely a tool for introspection and family conversations. And that can be a good thing!
Your blog is your space to be you. I love your blog because you are real, honest, and say exactly what is on your mind. I do not think you should change that. I do it on my blog too. And, I truly feel this, that someday my kids will read my blog...the good and the bad...and see that mom is real. She dealt with life..all the cards handed to her...and she was okay. I hope that helps them cope with their life...and its challenges because we all have them. Maddie, when she reads this, will see a mom who deeply and fiercely loves her...wants what is best for her...and is truly an amazing mom. She will love you for exactly that. I see this love every time I read your words...all your words. I love your insight. It makes me reflect and think too. If you blog from your heart, words surrounded by love, even the bad is good. :)
ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting thing that we probably don't even think about! I never thought of Arina reading my blog when she was older. But I also think they would understand the feelings and the worries we had! Your doing good momma!
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