Tuesday, February 21, 2012

unrecognizable

as I go along with my life...it is somewhat in a daze...since I have gotten older and become a mother...I look at myself and wonder who am I...constantly reevaluating...who do I want to model for my children...I am a outspoken person that at times turns people off...so when I had Max I tried not to get testy with people...I want him to treat people nice...sometimes in the car I will cuss and talk to myself and he will ask why I am getting upset...I try to explain to him and I sound so dumb when I try to rationalize it with him...then I had Maddie...and I became completely unrecognizable to myself...everything I was comfortable with was gone...everything that I knew to be truth was shattered...and as the years have passed...the normalcy I once looked for I no longer want...I do not want to go back to the person I was...so with that...the friendships and relationships that died through my tough times with being Maddie's mom I have now accepted and I have let go...I am not the bubbly person that thinks positive...I am the mom that gets life is not fair...and that we will do our best...this is not a personality people like or flock to...this is something I have had to get used to...so do I be the person others want...or do I be the person I am...and it has not been easy...recently I turned on my charm at a party...and found I still have the charisma that people used to like in me...but it was fake...how is it some just get what is given to them and is easy going about it...and then there are people like me that struggle with it...is it the constant medical issues with Maddie that reminds me that I cannot put my guard down because that is when something happens...or is that I cannot give it to someone else to burden...I have accepted my new role in this life...but the change is still hard and unknown...

5 comments:

  1. I am glad you shared this internal struggle you are having. I think we all struggle inside in many ways. But I am huge at saying just be yourself. I cannot stand people that are fake and admire and respect those are just real...the good and the bad. We are all molded differently and that truly is where the beauty in the world is at the end of the day. That is one lesson I have certainly learned and experienced with Kristen. It is okay to be exactly who you are...new roles are hard but I find with change I become a better person...the person I was more meant to be. Kids have a way of doing that to you too :)

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    1. I think for me it's that I don't want to be the burden in other peoples lives so therefore I've just sort of drawn myself in. I have let go of or lost several friendships over the last 2 years and I know it's me not them, but I just can't sit back and fake it all the time. That said I am also starting to realize that maybe letting go a little would do me some good...allow other people in...maybe people who didn't know me 2 years ago?? It's something I struggle with a lot so thank you for sharing this, makes me feel like someone else gets it!

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  2. Ah, I can totally relate to this post! I have never, ever, been a bubbly, overly happy, always positive upbeat person...Never. In high school I despised the girls who ran down the hall screaming "omg" and hugging their friends who they had not seen since the day before...Barf. I suppose my attitude is the reason why I never really made any close "girl" friends.

    That said. I am not a miserable person always negative and down...I am somewhere in between. I like to think I am just real. That's all :)

    You will find your balance Kim, it just takes time.

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  3. I'm not a bubbly person but I never was. I have struggled with seasonal depression my whole life and this time of year is so hard on me. Pretty much no one wants to be around me right now, lol. It's hard when your mind is consumed with worry. You don't need to be fake, you are who you are and the ones that truly love you stick around.

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  4. You know I reckon when I fake it 90% of people know it and the other 10% are so shallow they believe it, but I don't think I want those people as my friends! Lol. Love me some real people.
    Love to u Kim

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