Monday, February 27, 2012

protect...

“it is no big deal”…”it is quick”…”it is outpatient; so really it is not that serious of a surgery”…and I agree with all those phrases when it is NOT my child…these phrases piss me off…they are inconsiderate and well just insensitive…I am the type of mama that gets uptight about anything from routine shots and wellness checks to surgery…I just get wound up and think of everything that could happen…WHY…because it did happen…so to think anything is routine is ridiculous…and not a fun way to live but it is reality…I am thankful when we see the doctor and there is no serious conversation…no further testing…no follow ups…I like when they say see you in a year…heck I will take see you in 6 months…I think the older Maddie gets the more I love her…the more protective I am of her…I have completely fallen head of heels in love with my child…and I have put my guard down with her…in the beginning when I just had her I did not think she would live…I was not in love with her…I was guarded and I put up my shield to protect myself from the pain I knew was happening and could happen…but now there is no turning back…I dread the part that I have to give her to the doctors…I hate the part where they put her under and the life in her eyes die…I hate the feeling of walking out the door with out her…no longer protecting her…no longer holding her…I always look forward to being there when she comes to…and she sees me and lunges for me and I hold her so tight…her smell the sound of her suckling her thumb…and the relief that rushes through my whole body…and it is time to start eating so we can go home…I know this is something I have to get used to…this is our new “normal”…I know that this will be repeated every couple months for awhile…so it is time for me to just buck up!

11 comments:

  1. Sorry to all those who say those kinds of things to you, but there IS NO "no big deal" when it comes to sedation. It's ALL a big deal, and it terrifies me. (((hugs)))

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  2. It is always a big deal. She's your baby for goodness sake. I'll be sending good thoughts for a smooth and successful procedure and a speedy recovery. I know I am very grateful for all the thoughts and prayers sent our way for my own daughter's "not-a-big-deal" procedure that ended up being a big deal, indeed. But I just know Maddie will sail through!

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  3. When will people learn that cliches and things said to 'make you feel better' are the WORST. I'll take real over cliche any day. This is an amazing post. I could feel my heart quicken and my throat close and my eyes tear and my ire rise while reading this. Praying for you and beautiful Maddie.

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  4. Love ...WHY because it did happen" that is exactly how I feel, I feel mistrusting or perhaps synical and nervous now about trusting that things are going to be okay, after all Owen does have Ds he had a life threatening heart condition, he has hypothyroidism, he has hearing loss (much better after grommets) now when we get any testing done, I always expect something to show up...the latest very low ferritin levels.......just more to worry over...and there is nothing like "seeing the light go out in their eyes" ughggh it's just gut wrenching. I can't believe people are so insensitive to say that it's a minor thing, this surgery. Keep your chin up Kim, love to Mads for tomorrow, soak up those post op hugs XX

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  5. Who says it's nothing? People who have no experience with it. That's who. Even if it's only tubes, it's a major thing to have to hold a child while they are getting an IV, and you are right watching them go to sleep and then having to trust them in someone else's hands. I felt that way about my son and he was a normal kid with ear infections. So hugs to you. You will be in my prayers.

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  6. I'm with Viv...The line that stood out to me in this post the most was "Because it did happen"...Exactly how I feel too. I now feel anything can happen to anyone at anytime.
    There was a little boy last year Russell's age who went in for his second set of tubes...You know, one of those "minor, not a big deal, quick, easy, procedures"...Anyway, the first time around he was totally fine everything went great...The second time he had tubes put in he had a reaction to the anesthetic, They could not wake him up...He could have died!! So ya, try telling his parents that was just a "quick simple, procedure!!
    I won't tell you not to worry because you're a Mother, that's what we do. You are in my thoughts Kim, and I will be praying all goes smoothly for Madds.

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  7. Yes, protect. That is what mothers do. We are like mother bears essentially and will fight for our cubs! I will be praying for sure. That love I understand. Sending my love as this event will come and go like the rest....hang in there.

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  8. Nothing is ever simple with our kids, never! Good luck tomorrow, we'll be thinking about her!!

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  10. You are her biggest advocate and protector. Yes. Protect. Nothing is ever simple. Sending lots of luck and good thoughts!

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  11. I love reading about mother's love that is so basic, so protective and so unconditional.

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