Wednesday, May 11, 2011

bump goes the shadow...

Things that go bump in the night….the “things” should not be your own emotional roller coaster of having a perfectly enhanced child….but I am what you would call a drama queen….so after 2 years I know I need not to get so worked up…so nervous…but I am…the memories of having Maddie come flooding back…the weather seems to be the same as the days prior to her arrival…but I look over and see the little girl I was so afraid of meeting…she turned out to be more then I could have ever bargained for…no one can tell you that…when you are in the throws of depression and denial...no one can tell you everything is going to be ok…you just have to get there…somehow…and I am not sure how I got to today...but I am glad I am still here…this morning Maddie woke up with her eyes sealed shut from allergies…it triggered the tears…I have been on the verge this whole week…just nervous about her birthday I suppose…learning how to celebrate her…and not being so scared of our future…Maddie is also teething…so she is VERY emotional…she cries and cries…and it is a reminder that I do not know what to do for her…she has always been so independent and able to self soothe…when she was a baby…I was so late in emotionally attaching to her…I never learned her…I am not waking up remembering the labor…the delivery…or even the NICU…it is being released from the hospital without her...that is what goes bump…that has me so emotional…it seems to pop into my everyday thoughts…how I cried and cried -sobbed really…as we were checking into the Ronald McDonald house…all I could do was sit there like a lump with nothing left to give…it was me and Chad’s anniversary…I remember him saying we should go to dinner…or something…because it was or anniversary…so I went and I could tell Chad did not know what to do…what to say…I cried through the whole dinner…thinking that my child was in the hospital and at that time we did not know for how long, for exactly what…and I was not being able to bond with her or be her mom…a nurse told me that it was not important to bond with your child…I came back that night beside myself…and thinking the nurses knew my child better then me…at that point I wanted Max…I wanted the child I knew could fill me up with some much needed assurance…I know that is not his job…but it was the only thing that kept Chad and I sane during Maddie’s hospital stay…was spunky Max…today Maddie reminds me that everything is going to be ok…that I can relax and just put the whole thing behind me…I put her favorite Baby Einstein on and she rocked to it….she danced and smiled…for a short amount of time anyway…before entering back into the I am in pain…please do something…so her birthday is on Friday…and I am GOING to look forward to making her cake pops with sprinkles…and have a great time…learning to celebrate her…learning how to better mother her…Maddie is my little shadow…a shadow that I need not be afraid of….

11 comments:

  1. Damn right mama. I am so proud to call you my friend. YOU Rock.

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  2. Wow, 2!!!!! You're a great mama, and that little girl will thrive with you and your family. You've come a long way, and that's something to celebrate, too. (((hugs)))

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  3. This post was really beautiful. I can totally relate to what you are going through. I have those bumps, and I think they are bumps that only mothers understand. We had that attachment with them no one else does. We want the best for them, and we know we may not be able to provide it.
    I think the hardest thing for me was having Skylar and not remember seeing her, I did, but it was so scary and fast it wasnt long enough, it was straight to the NICU, than me going home with out her. Like you I bottomed out than, I was so sad and lonely and at this time we didnt even have an answer.
    For three years I lived thinking everything was ok, she was just premature, she was just delayed, she will catch up, the doctors said she would. It will be ok. Tham BAM it hit me like a ton of bricks on March. Im sorry she has Williams, she probably will always have to be in special schoool, she wont move out, if she had a child they would have a 50% chance of having ws (not like this is my top worry right now) but than everything on top of that. you get swallowed inside a whole. I catch myself staring sometimes, staring at the kids at the park running back and forth having their own independence. But than I look at Sky and remember, she is special, she is just right for me. She has more love than any child I know, and its ok that shes cautious, I dont care that she didnt walk until almost 2 and still doesnt talk clearly or all the way. Parents rush for these things to happen and than forget, so for now I try to soak in every memory.
    I remember when Sky was teething, she also had colic for 7 months. This was probably the hardest time because she was always sad and miserablea and I would rock her and try anything but it didnt work. When allergy season came the same thing crusty eyes and bright green nose.
    Thankfully it does get better Sorry for writing so much :p

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  4. You are a great mom...you being honest with your feelings is part of that healing process. Shame on that nurse too for telling you that you did not need to bond. I have worked NICU...that was wrong. That makes me sad. You needed that support to start that bonding given all the circumstances. Anyways, it me a long time to truly celebrate my daughter, so hang in there. It is quite a journey, and a road I completely understand. I was in such a bad spot for a long time. But, I promise, a time will come when these feelings fade and it is all okay. In the meatime, I am always here for you...to read your blog and keep reminding you I have been there too. Love to you as you prepare for a fun birthday!!!

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  5. Oh man, do I ever feel this post! Everything you wrote was how I felt...leaving Russell behind at the hospital was more than I could bare. I know I was really emotional just before his first birthday and I wonder if thats what it will be like for me the first few years...Just remembering back, and not being so very afraid of going forward.
    Its so cool that I have been following your blog since before Maddies first Birthday...I have loved watching her grow, I cant believe she is almost two!!!

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  6. The second birthday was more emotional for me too. It means they aren't babies anymore, that they are growing up. Lately I've been emotional too, thinking about Lucas's birth. I am sure as my due date nears closer and closer, the more emotional I will get. I am still morning my birth experience for myself and Lucas, it was such a sad time and it shouldn't have been. And like you Natalie was the only thing that kept me together. I remember saying she was my light in my day.

    Maddie's second birthday is going to be wonderful! I can't wait to see some birthday pictures!

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  7. I think we all feel the same. Various things cause those initial thoughts to sneak up on us remembering that pain from the intial shock of it all. There is nothing wrong with being honest.
    Birthday!! yeah!!

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  8. I can't believe our little girls will be 2 next week! Maddie has come so far and so have you...you are both so blessed to have one another! Happy Birthday Maddie!

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  9. I went a bit wobbly when Owen turned 2, it can still hurt more than I think it should.

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  10. Those hospital stays at the beginning are hard. It takes away some of that inital bonding time I think. But you are a great mama. And Maddie is a great kid! There is lots of time ahead, lots of time to learn more about Maddie and about you, and about you two together!

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