Blurred Lines...

To explain it is not naked sexy women and men dancing with animals...it is how I see Maddie and her life outside our family...I think Maddie needs more...more then what we are able to give her...so with that more I have to give her over for the weekdays to professionals that know...my ego is shot...I want to be that person that can...I want to know how...but I am not...I coddle Maddie...I seriously think she is so cute and perfect that I do not correct much of what she does (monster i have created) if she wants held -I hold her...if she wants me to feed her -I feed her...if she wants anything I move the earth to comply...I do this because I do the same for Max...yes it has bitten me in the ass...yes my children are very spoiled...but they are mine...and I own it...

Maddie is 4 years old and is completly scheduled from the time she gets up to the time she goes to bed...structured scheduled....and with that Maddie thrives and grows...I am not that person...I am a lets see what the day feels like and then find the adventure...But Maddie must be ready for kindergarden...I want to see her in a full inclusion classroom setting...with limited  help from others...so for this to happen I think this is the best route to get there...

Maddie is not in 'daycare'....she is in preschool and then goes to a intensive therapy program that is everyday...pt,ot, and speech included...and you know what -she loves it...and she also loves coming home with me...but everyday when she wakes up she wants to go to her place...where the therapists love her and teach her and expect her to do great things...and I am trying to muddle my way my own ego...I will get there...because I can put Maddie ahead of my own self need for cuddles...so the structure that Maddie has become so accustomed to should be interesting on our annual family Yellowstone trip! I hope the bears and wolves appreciate Maddie's howls...

Monster...

So my break -was short lived! and the thought I was cured from blogging apparently did not take...we have a PROBLEM! Maddie is a bully...no other way to put it...she is socially not nice...she does not use her words...even though kiddos will tell her that god gave her words so use them! She hits, pushes, and screams in kids faces...it does not matter if she knows the kids or not...if a child does anything to Maddie...she gets her justice...she self advocates very well...just not socially acceptable...so to say I am not nervous about this upcoming school year is a lie...if her schedule and predictability is not in place...they will have major issues...Maddie is not just a I am going to push you down and walk away kind of kid...if she does not see tears...she will then push them again and yell at them...until they understand that you do not mess with this pint size fire cracker...Maddie comes off as nice and laid back -until...at home she is getting out of hand...today I resorted to timeout...more for me then her...until recently I could redirect her...interest her in other things...not now...now she knows how to get self perceived justice for herself...she is even beginning to fight me and Chad...she throws food at us at dinner if she does not like it...she hits me when I do not do something she wants in a right now fashion...all I can say is she is in the ferocious fours! I hope we all survive...any suggestions???? 

Friends...

Can my blog be my best friend? it acts like a BFF?...it listens...it comments and gives me great advice...tells me to get over myself...and always stands by my side....and never judges me (mostly)...however, i am thinking I do not need to project my personal issues onto it anymore...I no longer want to have others understand what it is like for our family...because our family is like yours...I no longer get my panties in a bind when I hear hurtful things...I just get pissed and tell the person how to correct it...I no longer want to share everything about our life...I want to keep it a secret almost...because its mine...in my mind Down syndrome is still a big deal....i just do not need to make others feel how big of a impacted it is on our family...hospitals are our vacation destination...and there is no use fighting something that we cannot change...in the past i wanted others to feel my pain of how it is having to go to Denver to hospitals every month...but i cannot make others understand what it is like...this is a members only club...of course I still struggle with the what ifs....but my coping mechanisms have changed...instead of writing about them...I eternalize them...I try to find out solutions for them...I read other moms blogs and I learn from them...Of course i read blogs daily to keep up with our friends...i care what is happening and i truly learn something every time i read a post...I will be forever in this blogs debt...it gave me back -me and for that we will be forever friends...