Maddie came home from school today...takes her coat and shoes off...and turns to me places her hands on her eyes and says boo...tears well up in my eyes and my heart fills with hope...Maddie is a rollarcoaster...of ups and downs...tears of happy and tears of bummed...the other day I was bummed I would not say sad...that is to strong of a word...maybe irritated...we were listening to a Taylor Swift song and it was about teenage stuff...love, break ups, being noticed...and I was just bummed...I want Maddie to fall in love...i want her to have sex...get married...and not have it be an issue of if its for real....or if its her being taken advantage of....I try so hard not to think about this topic...but I do...not often but at times it creeps in...so I was talking about it with chad and of course I was just telling him everything that pisses me off about Down syndrome...and another hard topic came up...of kids nominating kids with Down syndrome for a title...I am not a fan of this...at all...and I told chad that I would not let Maddie accept it...if it ever happened...he tried to argue with me...but I do not want "sympathy" for Maddie...if someone wants to honor Maddie they should and could do it everyday of the year...by sitting with her, helping her, being her friend...asking her to lunch...talking with her on the phone...but wanting to get on the local news for a so called good thing..is just not my style...I know harsh...but I am a firm believer that you can be nice everyday...not just for a college resume...chad said I feel this way because I was the mean girl...but I wasn't I was the I don't notice girl...I was to caught up in me...oh how times have changed...i do not watch any news stories about this topic...i dont like the person that was nice and let the kid win a match...maddie will know and understand if she can or cannot win a game...give people more credit then a curtousy win, title, laugh, or smile...I am choosing inclusion for Maddie because i want her to be the best Maddie she can be...i want her to stand on her own and make her own choices and decisions...i want her to be independent...and part of this is her knowing what she can and cannot do...i also want Maddie to have real friends...ones that ask her to sleep over and go to the mall...friends that talk on the phone and giggle all night...i want her to sneak out of the house and get caught by her best friends mom...i want her to have real friends that love her for her and help her up and stand up for her...I want so much for Maddie and it all stems with her communication issues...I have really had to get honest with myself and her speech...I denied that she was going to have issues...I choose not to worry about this topic...I choose to not read anything on this topic...I did not want to think Maddie could not speak clearly...I just wanted it to go away...yesterday I broke down in the disabilities office...I realized that I was admitting that Maddie has a disability...I really have never admitted this and I have always held out hope that Maddie would be different...that she would not need extra services...even though she has received extra services for years...sometimes I forget...everything about Down syndrome...and Maddie is just Maddie and I love that feeling...I love that time when all is normal...and healthy...that is most days...but sometimes loneliness creeps in...and reality cannot be ignored...I have came a long way in being Maddie's mom...and it makes me so mad when I get bummed...I just want to be ok with "it" all the time...I want to be that person...that strong person that is just thankful...