triple...

In her pink princess dress….Maddie blew out her candles on her 3^rd birthday…it was a small celebration of just me, Chad and Max…quiet, simple and perfect for Maddie...it was a lucky year it was on mother’s day and I think I could have not asked for a better gift…but as the day went I could not help but think and remember her birth…and how I have not forgotten one minute of that day…that journey…even though I am at peace with Maddie and Ds…I am still in a blurry shock that I am her mother…I love her and I am so proud of her…but I still think of that day…I think of all the preparation that went into that day…the pills to stop labor, the draining of amniotic fluid monthly…all the doctors visits…the oh I am so sorry…I think that was to prepare me for this…living day to day with Maddie…I do not feel like I was thrown into Maddie’s health issues…I was prepared with everything that happened during our pregnancy…yesterday we hiked the bridle trail…giving me a couple hours to remember…looking at my watch and thinking this was when she was born…this was when they took her from me…this was when she had surgery…this was when I realized that I was scared….this was when I wanted her to live and I wanted to get to know her…and at 11 pm last night I remember that this was when I got to see her again…in the NICU…this is when I was told not to touch her…the tubes, the sounds, the smells, the dark rooms…what an awful but necessary place…birthdays are wonderful in the sense I get to be thankful I get to celebrate them with my live Maddie…but it does not take away the yearning to remember…to look back and be amazed at what we have accomplished…Maddie is better today then she was yesterday and she just keeps getting stronger, smarter, happier, naughtier…we celebrate Maddie everyday…I know that this life is fleeting…with that comes hope that I will get to see her run…and will hear say mom…little things I have taken for granted is what I yearn for today…Maddie is amazing to me…so it was a first yesterday…Maddie blowing her candles by herself…and this year I hope there are many more to come….