Wednesday, May 23, 2012

much to much...


Last place…not a big deal I suppose…but as Maddie plays tag I feel all sorts of emotions…happiness that she is working on running…excitement that she is trying her darn-d-est…gratitude because she is playing with other kiddos and laughing…but then deep down there is sadness…that Maddie will be last most of the time…it is just realistic…it is just the truth in my eyes…yeah you can say this, that or another thing to try to make me feel better…but the reality is…some may even say…who cares…at least she is happy and healthy…yeah that is always great until it is your child…we have track day around here…where the kiddos enjoy a day of track competitions…and recently a couple parents commented how fast there child was…”2 first places”…like it really meant something…but does it? I guess it does when your kid is the fastest…as I rolled my eyes and thought it is a track day…really who cares…I do; I care…I hate when my kids are not first, well liked, forgotten…Chad would say oh Kim get over it…who cares…I am not thinking that being first is what bothers me…it is that Maddie is different…that she runs different…that she carries her self different…when people see her they smile…and they say ooohhhh with a side head nod…why…how can they tell that Maddie was born with Down syndrome…Maddie looks just like she is suppose to look…and she is just how she is suppose to be…but still she is different…her delays are so in my face right know it is almost unnerving…to be with her all day and with other kids her same age is just to much at times…it would be nice to just live in a Maddie bubble…where only us as a family lived…with no comparisons…with no comments from outsiders…with no looks of opinion from others…I just want to see Maddie for Maddie…but I cant…I see her with other kiddos…and I see her impulse control lacking…I see that she is behind age appropriate behaviors, play, communication, motor skills…school will not fix this…it will help…but I just want her to say Mom…I just want her to tell me what she is thinking…I just want her to understand what I am trying to teach her…the reality of being Maddie’s mom is that I have to be more patient then I have ever thought of being…more consistent and not such a free spirit…somedays I think all I can so is love her and kiss her…and to hell with the teaching…

6 comments:

  1. I am with you for living in a bubble. That is where I am most happy for sure. It would be hard to constantly have kids around Kristen that were her age reminding me all the time of the delays. Yes, someways too I think can I just stop teaching, trying...and just love her and kiss her too. Well said post...

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  2. I still find is wrenching to see two brothers the same age as Cy and Owen, down the street or at school, I find I have to look away, it is deeply painful.....still.
    -watching the way they interact- how much easier it is to parent urrgh
    still so hard for me.
    But like you when we are in our bubble at home life is pretty darn good and I feel so blessed by what I HAVE.

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  3. I totally feel this post too...*sigh*...For the most part I actually do think we live in our own little bubble...We are way out here on the Ranch with just our family...No one has a kid Russell's age...Except Zane...And Zane is fast catching up to Russell, and it does sting a little. I have held off writing about it so far. But I see daily how smart Zane is, how quickly he learns things, how easy everything comes to him, and it hurts...I wanted that for my boy too...Instead he has to work so hard for every single thing in his life...I think sometimes I am still struggling to let go of that lingering heart ache of how things were suppose to have been with Russell...
    Your last sentence sums it up pretty good for me though...All I want to do is just love him and kiss him...

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  4. Totally understand what you are saying/feeling! Wanted to share a couple links with you. One is an encounter Kayla had last summer with a group of kids playing some kind of chase game: http://mdbeau.blogspot.com/2011/06/fast-team.html

    And then there is this article about something that happened at a track meet. http://www.oregonlive.com/sports/oregonian/john_canzano/index.ssf/2012/04/canzano_a_big_moment_at_a_yout.html

    And his follow-up article: http://www.oregonlive.com/sports/oregonian/john_canzano/index.ssf/2012/04/canzano_story_of_the_girl_who.html

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  5. Hugs. It is hard. I don't know because I never had a down's kid. I had a kid with mild cerebral palsy. But it was hard knowing that his mind would always be above what he could express through written language. I was the child who couldn't compete. I was tiny. My brother had to lift me up to the first step on the bus. I couldn't reach the pull up bar for the Presidential Fitness Test. I had to be lifted up to reach it and then I had no locomotion to raise myself into a pull-up. My strike zone was tiny. Forget basket ball, or even soccer. I know it will play a big part in Maddie's feelings about herself. God, it is so not fair. But she has to deal with it, which means you have to deal with it too. You have my moral support for all it's worth. Like I said, I don't know what it's like. I just know that you and Maddie shouldn't have to soldier through it.

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  6. It sucks when you see the differences, and it hurts. I have been struggling with this lately because Kimani is clearly different, and other children are starting to notice and stare. Some days I can't even do anything to mitigate it, I am paralyzed by my feelings. Other days I feel like I have been cut so deeply, that nothing anybody could say to me could make it worse.

    And then, there are those alone times, filled with love and laughing... and I forget the rest of the world. Cheers to the Maddie bubble!

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