Wednesday, November 16, 2011

just a little thing...

trust...I am not sure when I lost trust in others and the world around me...but I have lost it...this does not mean I am not happy...it does not mean that I am thinking negative...it is just what it is...I no longer think things happen because that is the way it is suppose to be...I no longer trust that people are good and that they want the best for Maddie...and I certainly do not trust that in the end everything works out...I have just learned to adjust...the other day someone said to me...that "Maddie seems to understand what I say"...I thought what a dip! if this is how people think of people born with Ds how would I trust the world to respect my child...Maddie is a fully capable human...she has a uniquely wonderful look about her that gives the impression to question her existence for some ignorant soles...I often assume people are nice to us because Maddie was born with Down syndrome...I know she is cute but the reaction and attention from others is sometimes overwhelming...she is like a rock star when she walks into anywhere...girls follow her and hug her and adults just smile...this however I secretly love and hope it last forever and a day! I do not trust someone will stop Maddie from being abused by another human...after the Penn State debacle...it seems like it may be to big of a task for some to speak up for others...however the trust I am struggling at the moment with is me not trusting Maddie...I am constantly hovering...constantly looking for choking hazards...and she is not happy about it...yesterday she yelled at me because I would not give her a rice krispie treat...I gave it to her as if to show her how she could not eat it...and I even said "here we go to Denver"...and she ate it no problem...teeth help...since then she has made it known what she can eat...in two days this is all the new things she has loved to try...taco, pickle, nutri grain bar, french fry, chicken nugget and a sucker...slowly I will have to trust Maddie...she is worth it and it really is not fair to her that her mom is so scared of her death I have put her in a safe choke free padded wall environment...and it is not doing her any good...I suppose I could take this as a learning opportunity...learn how to trust Maddie and maybe learn how to trust the world...

6 comments:

  1. I seriously could have written this post too! I don't trust anyone. I am constantly scared of all the possibilities. How in the world do I keep my children safe? I'm a hoverer too, but I don't know how I could live with myself if one of my children got hurt. I hope I figure it all out before they become teenagers. I wish I could hold them close forever.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm so sick of people thinking our kids are idiots! I cant believe someone was shocked that Maddie appeared to understand them! That pisses me off! I swear the next person that gets right in Russell's face and waves and then asks me if he understands, I am going to slap them!!

    And the hovering and over protecting...sigh...I'm right there with you! I have big issues with that, especially with Russell. I am hoping it fades as he gets older.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "Seems to understand what I say"??? Oh, that just makes me soooooo ANGRY!

    About the choking...you know we've been there, and it seriously sucks. But yes, teeth really help. Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I love your honesty...your reflections...so true to the heart. Trust is a tough one, for sure. I secretly think you do trust Maddie but it is more that mama bear instinct in you overriding everything that wants to keep her safe. You are a great mom. Trusting the world is a whole other issue...one I have problems with everyday. Oh, people's comments. Yeah, that gets old...trust me. :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sutter waved at someone yesterday at lunch after she said hi to him and she looked at me and said "oh wow, he knew what I was saying"...yep, 'hi' is a tough one...really people are so stupid?!

    Good job on the eating, she's getting there, but I have to agree I'd be just as nervous as you are given her past experiences. Come on more teeth! :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I do understand you on the trust issue. My hope is that it will get easier in time. . . .

    ReplyDelete