Thursday, October 20, 2011

misplaced...


The blame game…I try not to blame people for things…I guess that is a skill you try to learn fairly early in life…it does make life go smoother…and a sense of peace is put into place when you can forgive and forget…I blame someone that is alive and breathing for Maddie having an extra chromosome…I blame her for her heart, her esophagus, her eyes, the medication she takes daily…I blame her for saving Maddie’s life…I blame her for saving mine…she does not know that I blame her…I am not sure that is a burden anyone should carry…but my anxiety for her…is off the charts…my resentment towards her is NOT rational…but it makes me feel in some delusional way that Maddie and me will be ok…because it is not my fault…I know how Down syndrome works…I know how it happens…but this is my fairy tale mind at work…and a coping mechanism I use to get through…as I spill the beans that I have misplaced blame…I am healing…I am letting go…for her making my child this way…this way…Maddie is perfection wrapped up in a very nice package…I saw this women the other day…and I just wanted to cry…I talked really fast and in circles…I got hot and sweaty…she even asked if I was taking something for my anxiety…I said no…and said it just happens when she is around…but did not go any further…I then showed off Maddie…she commented that she was surprised how “with it” Maddie was…that Maddie did not seemed delayed at all…I smiled…I smiled because Maddie is ok…that she is a “normal” 2 year old…that I am ok…that I am a “normal” mother of a child born with Down syndrome…that my family is in tact and life is nice…

5 comments:

  1. Boy can I relate to the feelings behind this post, as I can with most of the honest, brave and wonderful things you write. I have played the blame game many times in my head. I adore my daughter and I know that she is who she is supposed to be, but sometimes the fear of what is to come takes over. Thank you for giving voice to the feelings that I think all parents have from time to time when they look at their beautiful children, but sometimes because we are just human ask, why me, why her? Wishing you all the best!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I can relate to this also...I have someone I blame too and because it involves my family members and the circumstances surrounding my Nephews I have never been able to write about it.
    Just wanted you to know, I get what you feel.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I found this post very sad. I guess it's just hard to understand. The only person I ever blamed was myself, my body. I remember apologizing to Lucas after he was born over and over. I guess it's easier to take when there is someone to blame. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  4. The last few sentences says it all. Hugs. Blog hopping :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I think it's just human instinct to hunt for the reason when things are difficult. It's only when we fail to recognize that we're doing it that it becomes a problem.

    I don't quite understand the feeling of blaming someone else - the only person I blamed for either of my children's specialness (in addition to my son with Ds, I have a daughter with cerebral palsy) was myself. Eventually, though, you embrace the knowledge that it doesn't really matter if someone else is to blame - it is just is.

    Hugs from the blog hop.

    ReplyDelete