Lean on me...

There are many kinds of support...support is not something I am comfortable with...I have always felt like it is a hand out or a pity thing...I am thankful to a friend that told me that I just need to learn to say thank you...over the years with Maddie I have...learned to accept support and to say thank you...and mean it...in the beginning I thought I knew what I needed for support...and yet everyone failed miserably...at the time of Maddie diagnosis I was broken...I could see no light...I hated "Holland"....I hated "Gifts"...these everything is going to be ok books and poems and sayings...were aweful and I viewed them as entaganistic...like everyone that had walked this journey before me was better then me...that they knew something I didn't...so I shut down all support from people in my community...because I just could not handle it...that is when I decided that home is where I would stay and friends would be online through blogs...I wanted nothing to do with people that I saw on a regular basis...because they could not understand me or my life...I was alone...and that is where I felt safe...but all the while I wanted support...I just could not understand it or handle it...so as the years passed and I started to understand my depression...I started to come out of my very small bubble...step by step...little by little...I have accepted support ....I have gained community friends...that I actually talk to face to face...this is a huge step and one that has given me the most support...in this new found accknowledgement and my self worth rising because I am no longer the broken mother of a few years ago....I have learned to share Maddie...I have learned to ask for help with her...even through all the new medical issues she is having I have not felt broken...I have felt like I can fight...she can fight and we will someday move past this..asking for help with Maddie has helped me truly understand the concept of community, village, family, support...I cannot teach Maddie as effectively as her summer camp support staff or her preschool teachers and therapists...raising Maddie will always need to include support...now I can just accept it...understand it, facilitate it...and of course say thank you...