Monday, October 15, 2012

Happy Happens...


And it does...really...as I hear Maddie singing in the mornings...happy fills me up...when I enter her bedroom and she is standing up dancing in her bed...happy is the emotion that fills me...when she grabs my face and kisses me with passion...happy is it...pure...not questioned...happiness...never...I mean never did I think i could feel this emotion again...it flitted in the beginning of our journey...but it was rare and fleeting...almost empty...because I knew it was missing...and I knew I was robbing my family of the good me...the happy me...the funny me...this digging out from depression has been rough to say the least...on me and my family...but I missed me...and I wanted to be healthy for my family...little by little I made changes...I regulated who I interacted with...I learned to say I don't care...I started exercising daily...I ate less proceed foods...I talked positive to me...i hugged Chad longer...I held my kids more with a smile on my face...little things...I only read and watch things that will educate me not infuriate me...and if they do I talked through them and found my own truth...and in this process a strange realization crept in...one I never thought I would have...I was sad and almost disappointed when I realized Maddie made us no more special as a family...that we were really no different then the family across the street...having Maddie in our lives makes us no better, no happier, no more stressful, no more anything...just a family of four...everything has fallen into place...even doctors visits are routine and mundane...when we received Maddie's diagnoses never did I think we would be looked at as a family in normal terms...but we are and that in it's self is hard to wrap my head around....I thought I would have a sense of relief...a sense of joy...a big woop woop! But I got nothin! I got a big...wait a minute...we are a special family because we have Maddie...nope we are a special family because we all are special in our own way...that's it...nothing more...issues we have with Maddie we have with Max...different....but the same...again something in the beginning I could have not been told...I would not have believed...through this one thing has been abundantly true for me...that I have to find my own truth, reality, happiness, peace no one else can do it...I am a person that cannot be told what to do or how to do it...I have to fumble through...frustrating...but I am who I am...happy...and ok...and my daughter and son...are normal, funny, frustrating, and are going to change the world...because they are my kids of course!

6 comments:

  1. I love the title of this post! And this post made me very, very happy. I just love that sweet little pumpkin of yours! :-)

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  2. I relate to this post more than you will ever know! Yes, happy. I love your thoughts because you say it so perfectly.

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  3. So true! I know exactly what you're feeling because I feel it too!

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