mini me...

“you know I don’t want a baby like yours”…yeah someone said it! to me…offensive as this sounds…it was not…I just shook my head and rolled my eyes…for sometime now I have been struggling with bigger issues…my ego…who am I, where do I fit in…when Maddie was born I tried to grasp and cling to people I could trust…people who had been a part of my pre-Maddie life…when I became a mother for the first time…I was so proud of myself…I thought I could do anything…I help create this beautiful person…Max has been handsome since the day he was born…a great physique, smile, long eye lashes…perfect health…and now that he is older he is smart, funny, likable…and a great big brother…I have always looked at him and thought…how great I was because of him…I helped create him…I helped raise him…he was a product of me…when he misbehaves I internalize this and wonder what I did wrong in parenting him…becoming a mother consumed me and I began to identify with only being a mom…so when I had Maddie…my ego was gone…I created--no longer was there a –we- created…it was a me issue…I created a person I could not understand…that I could not empathize with…someone I could not look at and identify with … this is not a mini me…I felt I did something wrong and was less of a women...I have always wanted a little girl just like the little girl I was…precocious, naughty, cute, funny, full of drama and wit…and then I had Maddie…all these things I just thought would never come to fruition…I remember thinking to myself…I will never be fulfilled or challenged in parenting Maddie…because she will always be sweet, kind, nice, well behaved, she will just sit there and look like she has Down syndrome…as ruthless as this sounds…it was my truth…and the voice in my head…I have had some time to think lately…to gather some perspective on my misconceptions of mothering Maddie…for a lack of a better words…I was wrong…dead wrong…Maddie has and is the most precocious child I have ever met…she is not what I would call nice…I would not call her happy…I would call her impatient…I would call her annoyed at my existence on a regular basis…she is 3 and already I get on her last nerve…as she grunts at me and stomps her foot…with a turn of a hip and head and a eye roll to top off her utter disbelief that I have told her no or tried to help her…Maddie is a mini me…but better…she can make grown men weep and talk like a baby…she makes old women squeal…and she has captured the hearts of almost every person that has come in contact with…she is not forgettable…or just a person born with Down syndrome…so the other day when we were at the Doctor…the nurse was asking questions and getting annoyed with me and Maddie…neither one of us was giving her much attention...I was not in the mood…everything is in her chart…just read it and you will understand! and then she asked “how is she doing?” I know a pretty standard question…but one that pisses me off…how is Maddie doing? I asked again…then followed up the question with --in what context are you referring to? her health and if so what part of her heath? heart, esophagus, thyroid, acid reflux, etc..her development? physical, social, emotional…what is --how is she doing mean it is a very loaded question…they want me to say fine…but fine is not good enough or it really does not tell the story of Maddie…with the nurse not liking me questioning her…she asked if I was even her mother…now that question pissed me off…that question offended me…because I get being scared that you can not cut it as a mother to Maddie and wanting to “try” to prevent "it"…but to be asked the question if I am her mother…as I am holding her in my arms…that is when I call foul…that is when mama bear rises…Maddie is a mini me…she talks like me...she walks like me…she looks like me...and she is comfortable with me...we are inseparable...if anything Maddie is the best thing I have ever done in my life…and to question me as her mother is just offensive…and it is with out question inappropriate...I wanted to ask her why she would ask such a question...but once again you can not fix stupid…