Monday, May 20, 2013

no no judgement...

me "is he your only child?"
her "yes...you know I am old 41 and with all the genetic risks...we cant"
me "huh...my daughter was born with Down syndrome (I told her 2 seconds before this conversation) and although we did not think we could have a Maddie...we are so glad we did"
her "well you know"...

but here is the thing -I do know...but I want to say the hell if I do know...do I know the risks...yes I was brought up to speed very quickly with a 5 month ultra sound...I was the chick who did not think it could happen...would I choose the early tests to identify a "risk" "issue"...no I would again forgo that test...why because I wanted another child and I felt my family was not complete...Maddie completed our family...that is as plain as I can say it...but this is where it gets uncomfortable for others...I would take away her Down syndrome...because that would take away most of her health issues...and it would take away the worlds ignorance towards her...a ignorance that is far worse when people hold there opinion in there eyes...but would I do this all again...get pregnant...because my family was not complete...yes I would...and would I even go through the depression and self loathing just to have Maddie in my life and for me to be her Mom...yes I would...would I change the way I walked this journey...no I would not...I would still cry, worry, bitch, and be me...because that is who I am...there is no "right" way to do anything...I may worry about other things that now I see are more important...but I would do it again...because the love and satisfacmtion I have for being a mother is one that I never knew I could have...when advocating for Maddie I find it comes in so many venues...so many people have a preconception of what its like to be us...but I think it is unique to each family member...

new her "i overheard you say you have a child with Down syndrome"
me "yes"
new her "I have a cousin..she is 60 years old...she is amazing...I would love to meet your daughter"

and there is the other side of society...acceptance...excitement that Maddie is in the world...sharing...not judging...but what it gives me is -hope...that Maddie's life will have the purpose she desires...one that is her own...the other day on pintrest I pinned my first idea for Maddie's room...and it took me back to a memory of one I have of my Mom...how she loved decorating my room and she bought all this beautiful furniture and bedding...not asking me once what I wanted...and as a child I was resentful about it...but reflecting back it was her dream...it was her living through me...and now I adore it...I understand it....and because Maddie was born with Down syndrome does not mean I cannot live through her...I can get the little girl bedroom I always wanted! I understand now I can mother my daughter like I always dreamed ...again my journey...

1 comment:

  1. This post stirred up many different emotions for me. I would do it all over again too. Russell has been worth every tear, every worry, every concern. Our family would not be complete without him.
    I always love reading your thoughts :)

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