Share…not something I am fond of…at all…sure I share my feelings, my opinions, my mood…but I do not share my food well, my things, or my family….I am not what you would call a good sharer…or a person that is willing to give and give…I only give my all to people I like…if I like you…I will give you my second favorite shirt…if I love you I will give you my everything…I will give you my time…but sharing is not something that comes easy to me…I will blame it on being the baby of the family…and making my brother share but not really me having to reciprocate…today it was phrased to me that it is exciting that Maddie is now going to be shared with others…I know what was meant by this…but it is funny how my mind races and I think…I don’t want to share Maddie…I don’t want her to love on others…I want her smiles all for me…I want to watch her learn, communicate and grow…myself…not sharing through others…it was hard when Max went off into the world of school…I felt the same way…I wanted to hear what he had to say…I wanted to see him play with others, teach and learn…I am unwilling to share Maddie…I feel like she is mine….and I just cannot get enough of her…not even in the throws of a fit…or when I cannot understand her…I think it goes back to the diagnosis…it was my diagnosis…my issue…the one that heard the words “we only have a short window till termination will not be an option”…I was the one that heard time and time again how they could not mother a child with Down syndrome…I was the one that heard that if it was them they would terminate…and I do admit I was the one that was not accepting of her being born with Down syndrome…but then you have this child born with an extra chromosome….and suddenly everyone loves her…everyone wants to be a part of her life and her accomplishments…it is fiercely aggravating that in the womb she is not wanted…and when she takes her first breath she is a rockstar…and now I am suppose to share…why? Did you carry this human and cry every day multiple times at the notion of what was growing inside you…nope…did your body ache and your heart break when she was born and had to have life saving surgery…nope…have you gone through every surgery since…nope…have you held her tight when someone thought it was appropriate to say the “r” word in front of her…nope…but really they did not mean it in “that” way…whatever…now I must share her…now I must be thankful society wants to be part of her life….she is a child that not many want; until they meet her…then they are still glad she is my responsibility….but they want her smiles, hugs, and cute moments in time…it seems unfair to me that with all my tears; all my pain…I now have to share her…outsiders only want the happy comfortable side of Maddie life…I get that this is the part of parenthood I was not expecting or even thought about…most people want to show off there children…look how cute they are….listen to there huge vocabulary…I never did this with Maddie…in the beginning I hid her from the world…now I ignore the world….and now I have to share her…I hate it…I know selfish….I know not a pretty light….but it is what it is…and sharing is not my strong suit…
Thursday, April 5, 2012
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It's funny because I'm great at sharing...some would say I share or give too much but being the oldest of my siblings and cousins it was always required! When it comes to sharing Sutter I think I'm okay with it in small doses, I want to ease into school just like we did with Landon. That being said I think I'm more ready for Sutter to go to school than I was for Landon but only because I feel like maybe I'm not teaching him enough and that he would get more from being at school??? Of course that's yet to be seen and only time will tell....
ReplyDeleteHope you have a fabulous weekend and Easter!!!
I love the perspective of how we "share" our kids with DS. You are so right about how people only want us to share the cute part but not any of those awful and uncomfortable issues that come along with Down syndrome. I guess I share a little of Kristen when she goes to school but only a little at a time. Each year I let go a little more but not much more than I did with Renee. I believe as a parent I will be as selfish as I want to be with my girls because I am their mom! :). We will definitely be praying and thinking of you all tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteAh, I so get this. The day Russell came into this world I felt he was a "community" baby. From the early NICU days where every Doctor or Nurse had a say in what went on, then coming out of the NICU and right into Early Intervention and Therapies, and all their thoughts and ideas...Sigh...I always felt Russell was "every ones" baby...And I hated it. I must say quitting Therapies has made me feel soooo much better. Russell is mine. ALL mine...Until he hits the school system...And he is doing fabulous, and I feel I can breath, and just enjoy him.
ReplyDeleteI always love hearing your thoughts Kim.
Oh I totally resented having to have therapists in my home and having them act like they knew all about my baby, I felt like Owen met their need to be needed.
ReplyDeleteI understand just where you are coming from Kim, don't be afraid to keep her at home if that is what your heart is telling you, it might be just what Mads needs to.